The... Perfect Murder?

I've been thinking for a while about how I would get away with a murder. I started thinking about this a few years ago, when me and my friends read a story about someone in our town being murdered.

It was also kind of odd because the people who were murdered were the parents of one of our friends... and technically, it wasn't a double-murder... it was a murder-suicide. The father murdered the mother after finding out she had apparently cheated on him.

But that is another story for another day.

Like I said, we thought up a way to get away with a murder, which also implicates someone you hate. You want to hear it? Well here it is: the perfect murder.

1. In the lead-up to the initial act, cause an altercation between the target and the person you shall be framing.
2. Now that there is an existing fued between the two, meet the target in some random place... preferably the bush so that blood isn't ruining your carpet or whatever.
   
3. Stab them repeatedly. Be sure to be wearing gloves.
   
4. Wrap their body in a plastic sheet or some other novelty sheet thing...
5. Put their body into your trunk or car or whatever.
6. Drive to the house of the person you are framing. Be sure to be wearing a balaclava.
   
7. Drag the body to the front door, knock on the door.
8. When the person you are framing opens the door, shove the bloody knife into their hand and throw the dead person at them.
9. Leg it.
10. (Optional) If you have access to a koala and didn't have access to gloves, allow the koala access to the crime scene. A koala is the only creature in nature that has fingerprints similar to a human... which will fuck with the forensics.

Genius? Yes?

If you think it isn't, then tell me why? Do you really think that the police will believe the story of this person who has a dead person on their front doorstep, who is holding the murder weapon, and had some previous animosity towards the person?

No. "Hello Police? Ah yes... some crazy man threw this dead body at me and handed me a bloody knife."

Sure he did.

The... Worst Porn I Can Find Today: Part 2

I told you i'd find something worse than the entry from the other day, and holy shit did I find a worse entry. The video I have for you today is a bit different I must say. I was searching for something else that I had remembered spotting previously, but found this instead.

Now, this one doesn't embed, so I am providing a screenshot and a link to the page holding the video. Both are provided, after the jump and I must say it is probably NSFW.

The... Worst Porn I Can Find Today: Part 1

You may be thinking that the title of this post is odd. Well, you're quite right. It really fucking is.

Everyone has done it. They've looked at porn. Whether it be involuntary or you're actively looking for it, if you have been on the internet for more than a minute, you've seen some porn... and in many cases, it was probably bad porn.

So that is the goal of this post, I will take a look around on the internet and find some bad porn. I know you want to watch it, because everyone is compelled to watch bad porn when they see it advertised. I'm not going out to find the most disgusting things I can find, just the worst somewhat normal porn you can find. So, bondage shit will most likely appear numerous times for this soon-to-be regular segment.

And as it is porn, it is most likely going to be NSFW, so these videos will always appear after the jump.

The... This Man?!

If you've been trawling through the bowels of the thing called the internet the last few days, you most likely would have stumbled across this man:

It seems that thousands of people across the world are seeing this man in their dreams, giving them advice on shit. How could all these people inconceivably see this man... I don't know... I think I've seen him before as well.

In fact, here is a thing I just whipped up in photoshop:

My god! It's this man! Congratulations to the thousands of people across the world. You've had the inconceivable ability to dream about this man for years, possibly all of you have seen 'The Princess Bride', and yet you never realised that you've been dreaming of Wallace Shawn with a big mono-brow the whole fucking time... you douchebags.

No wonder he was giving you advice, he is the smartest man in the world after all. Thank me, i've solved the whole 'this man' dilemma. Morons.

The... GeoCities

Oh no, GeoCities is closing down? I didn't hear until it just now. No longer will I have to wade through countless websites made by people back in 1999 who had no fucking idea how to make a site, and thought all you needed were thousands of animated gif's and no content whatsoever!

I remember my first GeoCities page... actually, no I don't, because I actually could be bothered when I didn't have money for a website to go and look for a free service that was worth it. FreeWebs for one, and even Angelfire at one point, for instance.

I hope that along with GeoCities, the countless thousands of morons who invested countless hours through that site die.

The... Tragic Sex

So yeah, I found a pretty funny website yesterday and thought i'd add my own little story to it. The site is called Tragic Sex, and it essentially is a depository for people telling about bad or strange sexual encounters. And like I said above, I decided to add my own:

A few months ago, I had broken up with my partner of 3 years. I ended up relying on a mutual female friend of ours to help me through it, who had only just broken up with her partner of the last 3 years as well. At first, we were just hanging out, watching horror movies and getting drunk together for about a month or two. Then, after getting drunk one night we ended up in bed together where we started making out.

From there, we started having sex. It wasn’t all that good, but it was average. The end result was that I didn’t end up finishing, mainly because of me being as drunk as I was and me being incredibly tired. I left the next morning, and things continued on as normal, like it didn’t happen.

Another night about a month on down the track, we were drinking again. This time, we were drunk, and decided to watch some porn. So we do. At one point, I am almost finished my drink, so I jokingly say that when I finish my drink I was going to leave before I ended up doing something to her. Moments later, she goes to the toilet. I down the last bit of bourbon that I’m drinking, head to the kitchen to leave my glass on the table, when she walks in from the bathroom, naked. She just giggles and says I wasn’t supposed to be there… I suppose she was going to surprise me or something.

So, we start making out, and I pull my shorts down and put her onto a beanbag that is on the ground, and start fucking her. The porn is still on the TV, and the music is still playing. The music at the time of us fucking happening to be John Williamson, which was weird. So here we are fucking, on the beanbag, and then on the hard wood floor. We both get into it a fair bit more than last time, as this time we don’t have “hey, I’m fucking my friend,” going on in our heads. We’re just fucking.

We keep going, and she’s getting close to cumming. She pushes me onto the hard floor and starts grinding herself into me for a few minutes, but can’t cum. Once again, I didn’t finish either, because of the amount of alcohol I had drank. We get up and start getting dressed, when I notice she is crying.

I ask her what it is, and she starts going on about how she can’t make me cum. I tell her it was the alcohol, but she believes it was just her. I ended up leaving, with my friend crying her eyes out over not making me cum again. For the next week or two, she gets upset whenever we talk, either over the phone or in person. It’s either “I’m fat,” or “I’m ugly,” which she is neither.

So yeah, after that we don’t really talk now. It’s really way too awkward. I totally know why they say not to have sex with friends now, because if you don’t cum, they go bat-shiat insane and think they are fat and ugly, and don’t know how to make you cum.

And yes, the above story is true. I ended up hooking up with a friend, I made her cry. The whole not talking to her anymore thing goes a bit deeper, but that story is essentially the beginning of the whole no talking, along with another time that something almost happened. But yeah, I totally didn't expect it to be up on the site so soon, but that's what you get for making your friend cry. Enjoy!

The... Rambo

I only managed to watch the latest Rambo movie the other day, after hiring it out from the video store. And holy crap, I don't know if I liked it or if I hated it.

I had heard about the violence in the film, and from what I had heard, I figured it was just Rambo killing vast amounts of bad guys. I was totally wrong. Most of the people that get killed are innocent civilians: women, old people, injured people and even kids.

I don't mean teenagers either, I mean kids... little kids. Some of them get killed by getting stabbed, really graphically... or shot in the head... or thrown into fires. Dude. Did we really need to see that shit?! Since I've become a father, I get really upset in some ways when I see a scene in a movie or tv show depicting a kid being killed or whatever. It just upsets me. Go ahead and call me a fag or whatever, I don't give a fuck.

When the movie wasn't showing the innocent and unprovoked murders of entire villages, it was okay. But man, it's hard to keep the audience wanting to watch when you've just shown that much gore and unpleasant violence into a few scenes near the start of the film. The end gunfight with the bad guys is pretty good, and man, there is a lot of bloodshed.

And one thing I loved was that to make the villian even more reviled and hated by the audience... like you would even need to do this after he orders the countless murders throughout the film... they make him a gay paedophile, showing him taking a young boy into his cabin at night, and making him leave early the next morning whilst doing up his pants.

Wow.

I didn't see the scene where he tortures a box full of kittens, so they must have cut that and thought it was a bit too much.


In the end, he ends up getting what he deserves. A gut full of machete.

The... Greatest Movie Ever, And I Didn't Watch It!

The other day, my girlfriend went and hired a heap of DVD's out from the local video store, and managed to select the greatest movie ever. And typical of my somewhat hectic scheduling regarding my kids, I didn't get a chance to watch it.

What is the movie?

I defy anyone to say that the movie isn't awesome just from the title and the cover alone. That is brllnt!

I am really disappointed that I didn't get a chance to watch it. I might hire it out again, so I can watch it... because judging from this trailer I found on YouTube, it is all kinds of utter retardedness, and I must watch.