29 December, 2009

The... Captain Jack Vs Shark Attack 3

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you might have read about the movie I consider to be the greatest movie ever (which I have still not managed to watch), simply because of the title and the DVD cover: that movie being of course, Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus.



 Well, there is also another movie out there in the wilderness of crappy B-grade movies that features a large shark that is infamous across the internet because of it's cheesy special effects. And when I mean cheesy, I mean fucking cheesy! Take a look:



What I find remarkable about Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is the fact that I spotted John Barrowman as the lead character, Ben. For those that might not know who John Barrowman is, he is the actor that portrays Captain Jack Harkness on both Doctor Who and Torchwood.

Really.

I want to see Captain Jack go up against a shark now. Let's see if he can survive being eaten by a shark. And whilst we're at it, make it a giant prehistoric shark. That would be an awesome show to watch.

25 December, 2009

The... So It's Christmas

So, it is Christmas Day here on Volcano Island, and the presents have been handed out and collected. The kids didn't really seem to enjoy it, as they are still only 18 months. They have a inkling of what the fuck is going on, as they were allowed to rip up shit and throw garbage everywhere unlike the usual days where they get in trouble for doing it, so I suppose that is something.

It is weird being a parent and being the one doing all the shit for Christmas, when as a kid, you are told to believe that this obese guy in a red suit does it all. I mean, fuck Santa. What fucking person came up with the concept of giving credit to a fictional character? I just spent $600 two days ago getting the last few presents I needed to get, and that isn't including the massive amount of toys I bought. I also need to set up a trampoline and a fucking bike.

I want some fucking credit for the work I did. I want my girlfriend to get the credit for all the work she put in for not only my kids, but her son as well, as well as the shit she did just to make the house Christmassy for all involved. She was up all night hanging lights and decorations up everywhere, so when the kids woke up the next day, she could tell them that Santa did it all whilst he was here dropping off presents!

Fuck Santa. Fuck him good in the ass.

21 December, 2009

The... Ex Is Trying To Push Me

So, the whole personal matters dealing with my children that I alluded to the other day is a big old custody battle thing. My ex keeps taking little shots at me via her Facebook page, and has been going around telling people that i'm being mean to her and not letting her see the kids and so forth.

These are the facts:
  1.  My ex left to go to the US a few weeks ago, and I assume she paid for the trip with money that she receives for majority custody of our children (which I have records of, that she doesn't, I do), which are specifically to help pay for the childrens welfare, not so she can get her hole filled.
  2. Her house is an absolute mess which I have photos and video of, and so do the police and so do DoCS. The house is filled with rat shit (including their beds), the mice living inside the house have made nests everywhere, there is rotten food all over the place, coffee cups FULL of cigarette butts and to top it all off, the garage is filled almost top to bottom with rubbish.
  3. Whilst she was gone on her hole-filling trip, she managed to spare a whole $120 to help feed the kids, and buy other essential items. And that was only after I made sure to pressure her.
  4. After retrieving my personal belongings from the house which I had left there from the time we had split up, I took the baby cots and a computer we bought together after the children were born which I have a receipt for in my name (this is a major plot point in this story), mainly due to the fact that she owes me about $1100 now.
  5. Whilst I was getting my things, a neighbour called the police to tell them that the caretaker of the house is not there and that people are taking things out of the house. When the police came, the Senior Constable was a friend of my fathers, who went inside the house, almost gagged and decided to take photos of the inside and make a report to DoCS themselves.
  6. She returned a week earlier than expected, i'm assuming because she wanted to clean the house of all the refuse that had piled up... good luck with that.
  7. Oh, there is now NO POWER in the house whatsoever.
  8. Since returning from her trip, she has made the effort to come and see the children once. I'm not stopping her from seeing the children, but she isn't taking them. I won't let them go back to a house like that.
  9. Since returning from her trip, she has made the effort to call about the children twice. Every other time she has called has been about the computer I took. That seems to be all she really cares about, as she went and got a 'Notice of Demand' from the courthouse to hand to me (which you aren't supposed to hand in person, you either do it by mail or through the police), which is pointless as I have a receipt for it, clearly in my name. It listed a number of other things, half of which I didn't even take, which shows that she hadn't even bothered to go to the house herself.
  10. I assume that she is trying desperately to get the computer back so I don't do anything with the number of photos that inhabit a folder called 'Naughty'. The ones of her spreading her pussy wide open are especially bad.
  11. And finally, I have a plastic bag of dead rats that had previously made it's home on top of her computer table. That is where my father found this bag. DoCS really didn't like it when I took that into their offices.
So yeah, once more... if I don't seem to be posting much in the next month or two, this is the reason why. Just thought i'd like to clear that up for anyone that may come to this site on occasion and may enjoy reading my boring shit.

Soida!

20 December, 2009

The... Night The Reindeer Died

I have just spotted a 'Top 14 Fake Movies from Real Movies' list over at filmcritic.com. You know, movies that the filmmakers come up with for characters in the movie or television show to see that don't actually exist in real life. An example would be the Space Mutant movies from the early seasons of 'The Simpsons'.

Anyway, I immediately went through it to spot if a certain movie made the list. Which it didn't. How could you do a list like this without listing 'The Night The Reindeer Died' from the immortal Christmas tale, Scrooged? Let's take a look:



How the hell did that not make the list? It has everything:
  1. Santa.
  2. Elves.
  3. Terrorists attacking Santa's workshop at the North Pole.
  4. Lee Majors (the Six Million Dollar Man!)
  5. Lee Majors blowing terrorists away with a mini-gun!
What the fuck were the people who wrote that article for filmcritic on? How could you be working for a site like that, and not list this classic fake movie from one of the better christmas movies of the last few decades, starring Bill Murray who was in his critical and box office prime at the time?

It's fucking bizarre.

11 December, 2009

The... Sorry

If it seems like I am not making many posts over December, then I am sorry. Some personal shit is happening, in regards to my children, and I will most likely not be having much spare time to do anything for the site.

06 December, 2009

The... Worst Porn I Can Find Today: Part 5

Today's entry is a little different, as it isn't a single video. In my everlasting quest to find some strange and weird porn for this segment, I have found a number of porn search engines that deal with the subject matter, such as Cliphunter.com and AskJolene.com.

Now I have found another, which helpfully categorizes searches for popular terms. Want a video that features Sauna's? It has a category. And so on.

So, going through this helpful directory of categories, I came across what I believe to be the crowning achievement of 'Worst Porn':



Amputee Porn. There is only a few videos in the listing (including the video I had seen previously and meant  to include in this segment), but at least it is a start. We can't shame the countless amputee women in the world into not wanting to make porn. They should be free to do so, right?

01 December, 2009

The... Old School Awesomeness

I am an old school gamer, and have fond memories of playing various gaming machines since I was very young. From the Milton Bradley Vectrex (which is currently sitting in my cupboard) to the Commodore 64 to the Sega Master System and so forth, I love my old school games and forever will.

So it isn't that much of a surprise that when I came across this website today, I blew a load.

Not only can you find multiple instances of old school gaming that you can play within your browser, but i've come across movies, tv shows, programs, e-books and more.

First thing I loaded up was Wonder Boy 3: The Dragon's Trap for the Master System. Which is one game that I absolutely loved growing up. I never bought it, but constantly hired it out from the local video shop. If I had saved the money that I used to hire it out, I could have bought a few copies (which is what I also could have done with Wrestlemania 2000 on the N64).

  

Next up for me is probably to play some of the old DOS games they have. I've spotted Scorched Earth and Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, so I might play them ones.

I'm pretty sure that i'll be fucking around on this website for a long time. So if nothing gets posted within the next few days, you know the reason why.

The... Gripe: Media Codec Error

I've been using torrents to download movies and television shows for quite a while now, and if there is one thing that still annoys the absolute fuck out of me, it is getting a fake file.

I especially hate the ones that are the same rough filesize of other versions of the movie/tv show, but it is a ten second video stating "Media Codec Error: Use Windows Media Player"... really? I downloaded Media Player Classic to avoid using that piece of shit memory hog of a program.



Hell, getting a fake file through any downloading medium pisses me off. Why the fuck do people do it, as it isn't funny unless you have an incredibly fucked up sense of humour... but what gets me most about the whole fake file thing, is that people download the fucker and then continue to seed them instead of deleting the file!

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

Why add to the stupidness, by supporting a file that you've downloaded that is fake. I wish that I had the Atom's power, to go down through the phone lines and then appear in some douchebags room and punch them in the face. I think i've already stated my desire to have that power before... somewhere on the site.

I just tried downloading a copy of episode ten of 'Stargate Universe', only to get the above mentioned file, and then discovered that the show had a week off this week and that the next episode comes out on December 4th. Fucking hell.

If I knew that, then I wouldn't have wasted 350MB of bandwidth on shit.

So fuck you assholes that make fake files. Fuck you assholes that help propagate fake files. Fuck you Saniel.

26 November, 2009

The... Tin Tin Is Fucking Insane!

I've just found a posting from a website called ceebeegeebee, where they're showing a few panels from a Tin Tin comic. Tin Tin is usually a wholesome comic that a lot of young kids can get into, but it does stray into some dark territory on occasion with it's storylines.

But holy fuck! Tin Tin is fucking insane!

Holy shit! What?! You need it's skin? Click on the link above to get the whole thing in context with a few other panels, but in reality, it still doesn't explain why Tin Tin is so incredibly insane and morbid.

For those that can't be bothered clicking on the link, let's just say that the whole incident comes about because a monkey takes Tin Tin's dog, Snowy. Tin Tin formulates a plan to get the dog back, by going and shooting a different monkey (which I doubt did him any harm), and then skinning it and wearing that skin... so he doesn't arouse any suspicion from the monkey that took his dog.

He then goes off to trade the monkey his safari hat for the dog, which the monkey agrees to... by talking. Oh, and Snowy talks as well...

Once he has the dog back, he goes back to camp... still wearing the monkey fur... and strangely enough... well, take a look:

That's right... he goes back to camp and freaks out his extremely racist depiction of a guide (whilst his dog talks to us), but take note: he is still wearing his fucking safari hat! Did he kill the other monkey and take it back? Why not just shoot the first monkey, and leave the monkey that did nothing to you alone?

Wow... Belgians are fucking insane.

25 November, 2009

The... Jimmy Fallon Did Something Funny?! + The Muppets?!

You read the title right. What the fuck is happening to the world, when Jimmy Fallon does something funny instead of the regular suckitude that he is known for?

I am talking about something that recently appeared on his show (which I still can't believe is HIS show, and which I still haven't watched since I turned off the first episode).

Specifically, a bit where he portrayed Neil Young and sang a cover of the theme to 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air'. Surprisingly, it isn't that bad, and I would totally buy a single if Neil Young were to ever actually do this song... as opposed to downloading it like I have pretty much every single piece of music I have ever gotten, as I don't like buying music... buying music is for morons.

Also, I've come across this video of The Muppets, singing a version of Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody', and it is pretty fucking awesome.




I absolutely loved Animal's part. I would have sent the link to my brother, except for the fact that it has Crazy Harry (pictured right) in a few scenes, who my brother absolutely hates because the character used to freak him out as a kid.

Seriously, look at that fucker! He is a creepy bastard, who blows shit up and cackles like a drugged up bat-shiat crazy fuckhat.

Apparently the character doesn't get used that often anymore because of 9/11, as they say blowing things up even jokingly isn't that fun anymore. I suppose something good came from the whole 9/11 thing that Bush set up. What?!

24 November, 2009

The... How Long Could You Survive A Gay Bar Fight Armed Only With Assless Chaps?

I've only just came across this website, which has one of the longest domain names I think i've ever seen.

How Long Could You Survive A Gay Bar Fight Armed Only With Assless Chaps?

That is comedic genius at it's best. It asks you the simple question of 'how long you can survive in a gay bar fight armed only with assless chaps?' and it does it well.

Update: I am so disappointed that the domain name now just redirects to a much smaller domain name, which is nowhere near the comedic genius that it previously was. So sad. :(

20 November, 2009

The... Debbie 'Fucking' Gibson?!

My brother was in town the other week, and I showed him a large array of weird shit I had managed to find online and elsewhere, whilst he showed me what he had managed to find online and elsewhere. It is this thing we do, as we have similar senses of humour and both have the ability to find some weird shit.

For example, my previous post about the greatest movie ever made, Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus? Little did I realise who the leading lady was in the movie until my brother pointed it out to me when I showed him the trailer.


Debbie 'fucking' Gibson! For those that have no idea who that is, she was a teen pop-star in the 1980's around the same time as Tiffany and Debbie Debb. She did nothing after the 80's ended, until Tiffany decided to get naked for Playboy in the 2000's... and so Debbie Gibson followed suit, and got naked for Playboy a few years later. (link to both, wooh)

My god! This movie is even more awesome than I originally conceived!

The... Hogan

So, if you've been about the internet today, chances are you would have come across a video from a press conference for a wrestling tour in Australia that Hulk Hogan is conducting. At the press conference, reality got blurred as so often it does when wrestling is involved, and shit happened.


Specifically, Ric Flair making fun of Hogan's recent divorce or near-divorce (not sure what has or hasn't happened there, and can't be fucked looking it up), and then Ric Flair laying the smackdown on Hogans balding ass and causing the eventual photo above.

Take that Hogan. That is what you get for going to a training session with the Sydney Cockfucks! I would rather watch Mr Nanny a few times back-to-back than go to a training session with those fuck cakes.

19 November, 2009

The... Worst Porn I Can Find Today: Part 4

Hey, i'm back with another edition of 'Worst Porn I Can Find Today'... and this one is just a treat. This video has all the ingredients for a video you just cannot imagine being made.

The entire fact that this video is an amateur video, makes it go to another whole level, because you realise that the girl in the video isn't getting paid to do this. Do what? After the jump where we go NSFW.

10 November, 2009

The... Series of Personal Challenges: Cigarette

I've been offline the last few days after I discovered that I had gone over my bandwidth limit by about 1.5GB. So, i'm pretty sure that it is going to cost me roughly an extra $200-$300, which sucks ass.

Anyway, this is what i've done since the last post. A new entry into my Series of Personal Challenges.

This time, i'm trying to put a cigarette out on my hand. I got the idea at the pub during karaoke, so I got my friend to film me whilst I try to put a cigarette my girlfriend was smoking, out on my hand.

I also have to admit that this was the second take of the video, so that is why you hear my girlfriend say a certain line during the video.


06 November, 2009

The... Series of Personal Challenges: Auto Fellation

Here's a new one for you, the first in what I hope to be a series (duh!) of personal challenges. What this series entails, is I will film myself trying to see if I can do certain random things, and either succeeding or failing at them. Me and a friend came up with the idea last night at the pub, and we somehow came up with this first challenge.

Can I auto-fellate myself?

That is the challenge. For those that do not know what auto-fellation is, it is essentially the official term for trying to suck your own cock... bizarre how there are people who can do this feat, but even more bizarre is the fact that they even want to try.

So, enjoy!




Check back in every now and then to see if there any new videos in the series, as I am planning to do this on occasion. DO IT!

03 November, 2009

The... Worst Porn I Can Find Today: Part 3

I didn't really need to look that far for something weird today. Just did a quick search over at Cliphunter once again, using the term 'Halloween', in honour of the American holiday which has only just recently passed.

I originally put in the term 'horror', but that was surprisingly lame in it's results. Okay, let's go to the jump, because it is NSFW.

The... Wonder Pets Are Pissing Me Off

I have my kids in a pretty good routine, where they get time to play, eat and watch some cartoons and shit. I always have the TV on Nick Jr because of this, and as a result I get to learn and know hundreds of shitty songs with immense accuracy.

I admit to occasionally getting the 'Dora the Explorer' theme stuck in my head, or some other monotonous piece of shit song in there. But the one that just absolutely pisses me off is 'The Wonder Pets'.


I hate this fucking cartoon with a passion. I FUCKING HATE IT!

It is so fucking annoying, that I wish that the turtle, duck or whatever the fuck the other thing is would pull out a gun and blow my brains out. It is so gratingly repetitive that you know the exact storyline of each episode from the opening credits:

Some stupid animal gets stuck or hurt, the wonder pets phone rings, they get in their little flying boat and then go save the stupid animal with teamwork... because what's gonna work? TEAM-WORK!

Each episode contains the exact same fucking song, it is so excruciatingly fucked. At least some of the other shitty shows on the station change SOME lyrics every now and then to fit the context of the episode... but I suppose if the episode is the exact same every time, you don't really need to change it to fix the context of the episode... since it DOESN'T CHANGE.

30 October, 2009

The... Perfect Murder?

I've been thinking for a while about how I would get away with a murder. I started thinking about this a few years ago, when me and my friends read a story about someone in our town being murdered.

It was also kind of odd because the people who were murdered were the parents of one of our friends... and technically, it wasn't a double-murder... it was a murder-suicide. The father murdered the mother after finding out she had apparently cheated on him.

But that is another story for another day.

Like I said, we thought up a way to get away with a murder, which also implicates someone you hate. You want to hear it? Well here it is: the perfect murder.
  1. In the lead-up to the initial act, cause an altercation between the target and the person you shall be framing.
  2. Now that there is an existing fued between the two, meet the target in some random place... preferably the bush so that blood isn't ruining your carpet or whatever.
  3. Stab them repeatedly. Be sure to be wearing gloves.
  4. Wrap their body in a plastic sheet or some other novelty sheet thing...
  5. Put their body into your trunk or car or whatever.
  6. Drive to the house of the person you are framing. Be sure to be wearing a balaclava.
  7. Drag the body to the front door, knock on the door.
  8. When the person you are framing opens the door, shove the bloody knife into their hand and throw the dead person at them.
  9. Leg it.
  10. (Optional) If you have access to a koala and didn't have access to gloves, allow the koala access to the crime scene. A koala is the only creature in nature that has fingerprints similar to a human... which will fuck with the forensics.
Genius? Yes?

If you think it isn't, then tell me why? Do you really think that the police will believe the story of this person who has a dead person on their front doorstep, who is holding the murder weapon, and had some previous animosity towards the person?

No. "Hello Police? Ah yes... some crazy man threw this dead body at me and handed me a bloody knife."

Sure he did.

19 October, 2009

The... Worst Porn I Can Find Today: Part 2

I told you i'd find something worse than the entry from the other day, and holy shit did I find a worse entry. The video I have for you today is a bit different I must say. I was searching for something else that I had remembered spotting previously, but found this instead.

Now, this one doesn't embed, so I am providing a screenshot and a link to the page holding the video. Both are provided, after the jump and I must say it is probably NSFW.

17 October, 2009

The... Worst Porn I Can Find Today: Part 1

You may be thinking that the title of this post is odd. Well, you're quite right. It really fucking is.

Everyone has done it. They've looked at porn. Whether it be involuntary or you're actively looking for it, if you have been on the internet for more than a minute, you've seen some porn... and in many cases, it was probably bad porn.

So that is the goal of this post, I will take a look around on the internet and find some bad porn. I know you want to watch it, because everyone is compelled to watch bad porn when they see it advertised. I'm not going out to find the most disgusting things I can find, just the worst somewhat normal porn you can find. So, bondage shit will most likely appear numerous times for this soon-to-be regular segment.

And as it is porn, it is most likely going to be NSFW, so these videos will always appear after the jump.

The... This Man?!

If you've been trawling through the bowels of the thing called the internet the last few days, you most likely would have stumbled across this man:

It seems that thousands of people across the world are seeing this man in their dreams, giving them advice on shit. How could all these people inconceivably see this man... I don't know... I think I've seen him before as well.

In fact, here is a thing I just whipped up in photoshop:


My god! It's this man! Congratulations to the thousands of people across the world. You've had the inconceivable ability to dream about this man for years, possibly all of you have seen 'The Princess Bride', and yet you never realised that you've been dreaming of Wallace Shawn with a big mono-brow the whole fucking time... you douchebags.


No wonder he was giving you advice, he is the smartest man in the world after all. Thank me, i've solved the whole 'this man' dilemma. Morons.

16 October, 2009

The... GeoCities

Oh no, GeoCities is closing down? I didn't hear until it just now. No longer will I have to wade through countless websites made by people back in 1999 who had no fucking idea how to make a site, and thought all you needed were thousands of animated gif's and no content whatsoever!

I remember my first GeoCities page... actually, no I don't, because I actually could be bothered when I didn't have money for a website to go and look for a free service that was worth it. FreeWebs for one, and even Angelfire at one point, for instance.

I hope that along with GeoCities, the countless thousands of morons who invested countless hours through that site die.

13 October, 2009

The... Tragic Sex

So yeah, I found a pretty funny website yesterday and thought i'd add my own little story to it. The site is called Tragic Sex, and it essentially is a depository for people telling about bad or strange sexual encounters. And like I said above, I decided to add my own:

A few months ago, I had broken up with my partner of 3 years. I ended up relying on a mutual female friend of ours to help me through it, who had only just broken up with her partner of the last 3 years as well. At first, we were just hanging out, watching horror movies and getting drunk together for about a month or two. Then, after getting drunk one night we ended up in bed together where we started making out.

From there, we started having sex. It wasn’t all that good, but it was average. The end result was that I didn’t end up finishing, mainly because of me being as drunk as I was and me being incredibly tired. I left the next morning, and things continued on as normal, like it didn’t happen.

Another night about a month on down the track, we were drinking again. This time, we were drunk, and decided to watch some porn. So we do. At one point, I am almost finished my drink, so I jokingly say that when I finish my drink I was going to leave before I ended up doing something to her. Moments later, she goes to the toilet. I down the last bit of bourbon that I’m drinking, head to the kitchen to leave my glass on the table, when she walks in from the bathroom, naked. She just giggles and says I wasn’t supposed to be there… I suppose she was going to surprise me or something.

So, we start making out, and I pull my shorts down and put her onto a beanbag that is on the ground, and start fucking her. The porn is still on the TV, and the music is still playing. The music at the time of us fucking happening to be John Williamson, which was weird. So here we are fucking, on the beanbag, and then on the hard wood floor. We both get into it a fair bit more than last time, as this time we don’t have “hey, I’m fucking my friend,” going on in our heads. We’re just fucking.

We keep going, and she’s getting close to cumming. She pushes me onto the hard floor and starts grinding herself into me for a few minutes, but can’t cum. Once again, I didn’t finish either, because of the amount of alcohol I had drank. We get up and start getting dressed, when I notice she is crying.

I ask her what it is, and she starts going on about how she can’t make me cum. I tell her it was the alcohol, but she believes it was just her. I ended up leaving, with my friend crying her eyes out over not making me cum again. For the next week or two, she gets upset whenever we talk, either over the phone or in person. It’s either “I’m fat,” or “I’m ugly,” which she is neither.

So yeah, after that we don’t really talk now. It’s really way too awkward. I totally know why they say not to have sex with friends now, because if you don’t cum, they go bat-shiat insane and think they are fat and ugly, and don’t know how to make you cum.


And yes, the above story is true. I ended up hooking up with a friend, I made her cry. The whole not talking to her anymore thing goes a bit deeper, but that story is essentially the beginning of the whole no talking, along with another time that something almost happened. But yeah, I totally didn't expect it to be up on the site so soon, but that's what you get for making your friend cry. Enjoy!

10 October, 2009

The... Rambo

I only managed to watch the latest Rambo movie the other day, after hiring it out from the video store. And holy crap, I don't know if I liked it or if I hated it.

I had heard about the violence in the film, and from what I had heard, I figured it was just Rambo killing vast amounts of bad guys. I was totally wrong. Most of the people that get killed are innocent civilians: women, old people, injured people and even kids.

I don't mean teenagers either, I mean kids... little kids. Some of them get killed by getting stabbed, really graphically... or shot in the head... or thrown into fires. Dude. Did we really need to see that shit?! Since I've become a father, I get really upset in some ways when I see a scene in a movie or tv show depicting a kid being killed or whatever. It just upsets me. Go ahead and call me a fag or whatever, I don't give a fuck.

When the movie wasn't showing the innocent and unprovoked murders of entire villages, it was okay. But man, it's hard to keep the audience wanting to watch when you've just shown that much gore and unpleasant violence into a few scenes near the start of the film. The end gunfight with the bad guys is pretty good, and man, there is a lot of bloodshed.

And one thing I loved was that to make the villian even more reviled and hated by the audience... like you would even need to do this after he orders the countless murders throughout the film... they make him a gay paedophile, showing him taking a young boy into his cabin at night, and making him leave early the next morning whilst doing up his pants.

Wow.

I didn't see the scene where he tortures a box full of kittens, so they must have cut that and thought it was a bit too much.


In the end, he ends up getting what he deserves. A gut full of machete.

05 October, 2009

The... Greatest Movie Ever, And I Didn't Watch It!

The other day, my girlfriend went and hired a heap of DVD's out from the local video store, and managed to select the greatest movie ever. And typical of my somewhat hectic scheduling regarding my kids, I didn't get a chance to watch it.

What is the movie?



I defy anyone to say that the movie isn't awesome just from the title and the cover alone. That is brllnt!

I am really disappointed that I didn't get a chance to watch it. I might hire it out again, so I can watch it... because judging from this trailer I found on YouTube, it is all kinds of utter retardedness, and I must watch.

29 September, 2009

The... I Hate Clowns

I just found a website that I had not visited for roughly 10 years. I didn't think it was actually still online. That website is, of course, IHateClowns.com.

I have hated clowns ever since I saw the movie 'IT', just like a lot of people who were young and saw the mini-series starring Tim Curry, for the first time in the early 1990's. I hate them to hell. I'm particularly slightly frightened of the more creepy looking/acting ones.

That is why back in about 1999, when I stumbled across this website, I became a member and used the site's limited email service. This was back when the major free email service was still Hotmail, and you had something like 10MB for your inbox.

Don't know why i'm bringing all this up. Think it just made me feel all fuzzy like inside to see a website that i thought had died, still kicking it around on the internet.

I tried my old email address and login, to see if maybe I was still a registered user of their email service, but alas... I am not. I was thinking about creating a new email address there, until I realised that their service isn't quite free anymore. Shame.

28 September, 2009

The... Polanski

I've just read that Roman Polanski has been arrested after roughly 30 years living in France, escaping trial for allegedly drugging and raping a 13 year old girl. Amazing.

I would have thought that Polanski would be one of those guys that stayed on the run until they died, but he got caught. It'll be interesting to see what the outcome will actually be.

Will the US extradite him back to their soil, and will they go to trial for something that happened 30 years ago? Seriously, the person who he apparently did all this to says to leave it the fuck alone, and that she doesn't care.

It'll be a very interesting few months ahead for Mr Polanski I think.

26 September, 2009

The... Stupidity

Okay, a few days have past since the big Australian dust storm made everything look like a fucking scene from Doom or Superman 64, or something... but it has confirmed for me that most of the people in this fucking town I live in are idiots.

For example, the photo to the right is of my fathers car the day that the storm happened. The dust on it is what made it through a cover he puts on the car during winter to keep ice from forming on the windshields and shit.

When the dust storm had finally passed, he eventually cleaned the car before driving it. A logical thing to do.

This is however, my point. The logical thing does not occur to people in this fucking town. Later on in the day, driving around, we saw people driving their cars who hadn't even bothered to wipe the dust off of their front windshield. THEIR FRONT FUCKING WINDSHIELD!

They were struggling to see through it to drive. Others hadn't wiped it off any window bar the front one, so reversing parking cars became annoyingly stupid in the main street. Not to mention those people that made left or right turns who couldn't see through their fucking side windows because they were plastered with red dust.

Seriously people. Use your fucking brains.

16 September, 2009

The... Apocalypse

This morning, I awoke to an odd sight. The world outside my window was all red and there was an eerie calm, like being in the middle of the eye of a storm or something. I figured that the red was just fog and the sunlight from a sunrise was making it that colour...

...little did I know, that it was really the Apocalypse.

Imagine that!


That is a photo of just outside my front door. Creepy as all fuck.

The... Cure Article

Well, my first article for another website has been published. It is about a subject near and dear to my heart, a subject of which I have self-appointed myself as a deity. That subject is of course... alcohol.

I'll be writing a bit more for the site when I have the time to do so, and it will all be about alcohol... so if you are a fan of the subject, you will like what I have to say. Or at least, I hope so.

14 September, 2009

The... GIS Of The Day: Monkey Jesus

I was trying to think of something for today's GIS, and I just started throwing random words together. That is when I came up with the search term for today... which is 'monkey jesus'.

Why is it that? Why not?


MONKEY JESUS

monkey man: I wonder if he is going to let the ATHF swim in his pool...


George Michael - Jesus To A: Sweet monkey jesus! It's the dude from Wham and those toilets...


This is not about Jesus: What the hell is the deal with this drawing? Are the other monkeys scared of the Monkey Jesus or something? It reminds me of communist propaganda or something.


Monkey Jesus smooches Shelly: The chick in pink reminds of that girl from Lazy Town... and yes, I would probably fuck her.


"Jesus said: I have cast fire: I want to hear the rest of the monkey assassin's bible quote.


I think that will probably do for today. There are still a fair few strange ones that I missed.

12 September, 2009

The... Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov

People have a tendancy to change their names for one reason or another. For a while, I thought that the greatest name that anyone could ever changed theirs to was 'Optimus Prime.'

The person that chose that name was a NY Firefighter who claimed that Optimus Prime was like a father-figure to him... whatever.

But now, that man has been beaten.

Meet Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov...


Good work dude... i'm pretty sure you'll never get laid.

09 September, 2009

The... GIS Of The Day: Unhappy

I was unhappy with the GIS Of The Day earlier, because it sucked absolute ass in the end. Plus, I wanted to muck about with the improved editor that has apparently been added to blogger... which I don't remember seeing at all. How long it has been here... I don't know.

Anyway, let us move on. I want to use a better word, and what word is better than the word which describes how I felt about the earlier post:


UNHAPPY

Unhappy: What the fuck? It is apparently a little robotic head thing... of a dog person... thing?!


An unhappy 'puss in boots': No shit it's unhappy... and a bad pun.


Unhappy customers are a fact: If it is a fact, then maybe your business sucks ass?


A Very Unhappy Family: It is me, or is this kind of creepy?


Okay, I think this will do it. A lot more strange...

Wooh... thingy: 2aum37qhpe

The... GIS Of The Day: Random

Okay, so I am bored.

I thought i'd have a go at something I once did at a very old site of mine that was pretty fun to do. A Google Image Search, using a completely random word that I come across during the day or whatever... and then I will post the strangest pictures or links to interesting looking pages from the first 5-10 pages. Not sure how many pages I will do... most likely only 5.

Anyway, a few guidelines:
  1. Each page in GIS contains 21 images. At least 5 pages should be roughly 105 images to find something stupid.
  2. Pornography will have a NSFW image to click on to see the image proper.
  3. It is what I find to be strange or interesting... not anyone else.
And we're on our way!


RANDOM

Random Fact Generator: I wonder what kind of random fact generator it is?


Random Natural Acts: This accompanying text gave me a bad mental image.


14 is a random number t-shirts: A bit of a random idea for a t-shirt.


Fein 6-inch random-orbit: I have no idea what any of that accompanying text means.

Sadly, that is the best I could do with the word 'random' from the first 5 pages. Beyond that, there was even more shit. Pretty bad if your ask me. It was nothing but a crapload of charts and statistical looking things.

What a way to start off. Four images of utter crapness.

Yay!

The... Mothersbaugh

I've had my kids the last few days, and they've been pretty good. Most of the time, they've been quite content to sit still and have been watching a lot of Nick Jr.

Which means, I get to either watch or hear a lot of Nick Jr.

I swear, the whole line-up of shows makes me think of DEVO. Constantly. The music is either made by Mark Mothersbaugh, or inspired by his work, or he is on the show that is currently on.

It was quite strange the first time I spotted him drawing on 'Yo Gabba Gabba!'

My kids were watching him intently as he started to draw some creature, the type of which I cannot recall... but he then drew a flute and the drawing started to play the flute and jump about the place (which reminded me of "Cactus Chef playing 'We Didn't Start the Fire' on a flute" from Late Night with Conan O'Brien). Obviously his mind is still warped from the old DEVO days and this has translated to the projects that he is involved in...

...which is good to see. That's exactly what kids need these days. Some good old 1970's/1980's insanity.

By the way, I found the Lego man from here. Quite awesome indeed.

08 September, 2009

The... Gripe: Sliders

So, I was walking up the road to get a copy of todays newspaper when for some reason I began to think of the 90's tv show, Sliders. You know the one, the fat kid from 'Stand By Me' is an uber-genius and discovers a method to travel between parallel worlds that he ends up calling 'Sliding'.

Anyway, I was thinking about the whole premise of the show, that they're trying to get home after the sliding thing goes wrong causing their device to open a portal at intervals of differing times. So one world they might have two days to wait, or another might be as little as two minutes.

The first episode of the second season ended with them landing on a world that could possibly be theirs after receiving it's coordinates from an alternate fat kid, and they had about a minute to discern whether they were on their world or not.

The newspaper in the letterbox doesn't give any clues, as on this world OJ Simpson was tried for a double murder, the Raiders are playing out of Oakland and the Cleveland Indians actually made the World Series.

Could that much have happened since they left? Well, gee, I don't know. Maybe they need something more tangible to figure out if they are on their world.

So, how did they try to figure out if they were on their world? Well, you see... the front gate of the fat kid's house was always squeaky on his world. And luckily, they arrived out the front of his house. Take a look:


For those that couldn't be fucked watching it, i'll explain. He tests it out... and alas, it isn't squeaky... which means... this can't be their world.

They decide to slide on.

After they've slid away, his mother walks out with the gardener who shows her that he has fixed the squeak with a bit of oil.

Wow.

They just moved on from their world because they couldn't really be fucked to check for anything else apart from a fucking gate.

This seriously was one of their major tests throughout the show as to whether they were on their own world or not.

"Is the gate squeaky?"


If the gate was squeaky, they would usually try to settle into "their" lives until they realise that something isn't right... like the President is a Nazi, or something along those lines.

One thing that I find a bit stupid, is the fact that they just keep sliding like it is their only way to get home.

Why doesn't the fat kid who is an uber-genius who invented the intra-dimensional sliding system in his fucking basement sit the fuck down on a really good world, and build a new fucking device? He surely must be able to build it again, seeing as he could have the resources of a rich blues singer at his disposal, and he has the fucking Professor along with him to give him a hand.

Not to mention... he might have a parallel version of himself who could offer a hand with building the fucking thing.

Really. Why the fuck slide?

06 September, 2009

The... Justice League

I had some spare money this week after my routine "buying food to survive the fortnight", and managed to snag a copy of the recently released 'Justice League: The New Frontier' from DC Comics.

I liked it mainly for the fact that it focused on two of my favourite comic characters: Hal Jordan aka Green Lantern of Sector 2814 and J'onn J'onzz aka The Martian Manhunter.

The direct-to-dvd release is essentially a quick retelling of the start of the Silver Age of Comics, and for fans of that era of comics, it does a pretty good job.

The Golden Age heroes had been forced to retire after the McCarthy hearings, with people fearing them for their use of masks, wondering what they were hiding. Batman is considered a vigilante and is wanted by the authorities, whilst Superman is a registered hero under the government. Barry Allen, the second Flash, is already active and is already gaining a few of his famous rogues gallery such as Captain Cold and Gorilla Grodd.

Hal Jordan has returned from Korea after the war has ended, and is enlisted in the ranks of Ferris Air. It takes a fair while for him to get the Green Lantern power ring, almost near the end of the movie, but the buildup is good.

They nailed the Manhunters origins quite well, with him being transported accidently to Earth by a scientist who ends up having a heart attack at seeing the Martian's true form. He then goes into seclusion watching television to learn of Earth customs and shit until he finally takes the form of a noir detective and becomes... well, a police detective. The only thing I was disappointed about was that he wasn't shown to be eating any Oreo cookies.

That's all i'm gonna say for now. Off to space!

29 August, 2009

The... Itching

So, it is a few days since the last post and my crotch is now significantly less itchy...

Hooray!

Thought I'd share that since I don't have anything else to write about.

26 August, 2009

The... Dickhead

So, I was with my new girl the other day and learnt that she had only just shaved her snatch.

Completely shaven.

We started off on a discussion about what she prefers on a guy, and the consensus from her was that she liked her bloke to be lightly trimmed. Not overly balding and shit down there, but neatly trimmed, so that it doesn't interfere with her... well, adventuring.

Well... I'm a fucking dickhead.

Two days later and I now have a tremendously itching crotch region, due to taking the initiative and wanting to do something for her. I now have parts completely shaved on my balls... and I am now copping the aftermath of regrowing hair in my most precious of nether-regions.

I would prefer to have someone punch me in the face than this feeling. How the fuck chicks can continue to shave, and not just wax, down there is beyond me.

21 August, 2009

The... New Girl

So, i've met a girl in the last few days and she seems to be a really nice one. Been hanging out the last few days when we both have a bit of free time, and we're really clicking. She also gets along with my friend's wife, as they apparently already knew each other.

That bit kind of weirded me out. I was hoping they would get along, but they got along extremely good. And she also went to school with one of my other friend's girlfriends. So, it was like a big girl love-fest when we went out the other day.

I was the only guy there, so it was a bit awkward... but I toughed it out.

I have to say that she really is a great girl. She is nice, she can make me laugh, and she is a terrific singer. To top it off, she deep throats, she swallows, and she is a squirter. The holy triumvirate of a highly-sexed sexual partner that a lot of guys want.

And I have it! Ahahahaha!

17 August, 2009

The... Broken iPod

So I was just at eBay, watching a bid for an iPod classic get drastically out of my meager price range, when I decided to take a look at some other auctions to see if there was another somewhere else.

I find this.

What a fucking rip off. $80 for a BROKEN iPod.

Let me state that again. $80 as the starting bid... for a BROKEN iPod!

Wow. The current bid on the iPod I was looking to try to get was up to $70-something, and that was a fully functioning one, that comes with the fucking headphones and shit.

If someone gets that iPod. I'm going to travel down the telephone wires like the motherfucking Atom, and cock punch the person into oblivion.

I hate humanity.

15 August, 2009

The... Urge To Kill

I'm pretty sure that at some point in the near future I am going to kill someone.

My kids have broken down my resolve over the last 18 hours or so, that I just want to hurt someone really badly. They woke up at 2am, and haven't slept since. One of them shat in their play-room, and they've generally been pissing me off more and more as the day goes on.

Not to mention when I change them, they keep kicking me in the nuts. I hate being kicked in the nuts... but constantly and repeatedly... is not my idea of fun.

For those wanting kids... you fucking idiots. Rip out your testicles before it is too late, and then run far away from them after you've fed them to a dog. Run away as fast as you can. And then punch your missus for even suggesting the idea to you.

13 August, 2009

The... Drinking pt 2: Frank Bolts

Well, ended up drinking a shit load last night.

I don't remember leaving the pub, have a few messages on my phone having a conversation with my mate's wife where I identified myself as Frank Bolts, and my curtain wasn't on the window, so judging from me being half naked... i'm guessing someone got a show.

Then on my Facebook page, I have drunken messages stating that "is prety fuckrd. soryy fptryhodr jr had prddrf pfgg" and "ahuir", which from my many years worth of valuable training in 'Drunken IRC Decoding', means "is pretty fucked, sorry if i've pissed anyone off" and "shit".

The second one is most likely because even when i'm drunk I can pick up on the fact that I'm drunk, and I usually pick up immediately on the fact that i've mis-spelt something.

The whole thing has got me thinking that me identifying myself as Frank Bolts is who I turn into when I get drunk. When I drink, I become Frank Bolts.

Who this man is, I don't know. I've never met him.

But he sounds awesome.

12 August, 2009

The... Drinking

I have begun drinking tonight. I've got half a bottle of Bourbon to consume before I leave this plane of existence for another where drinking is on the menu, and singing via a microphone is common place.

Drinking is a favourite past-time of mine, so much so that I have become quite proficient at it. It isn't an uncommon sight that when I hit the drink, that I drink a fair amount. I love my alcohol.

If I became totally uninterested in the world, chances are that I would probably slowly kill myself like the character of Ben in 'Leaving Las Vegas'. The likely-hood of drinking myself to death in Las Vegas whilst getting together with someone of the hotness magnitude of Elisabeth Shue is beyond astronomical though.

It'd be worth the shot though. Even if I end up falling through a glass table after sucking on her tits covered in whiskey. It would be totally worth the shot.

The... Domain

I have just purchased the domain, CaptainXenu.com. Exciting... no?

The... Breakin'

Over the last few days, i've been scouring the internet downloading things from my childhood. Music, video games, television shows and movies mostly.

One of the things that I am happy to get a hold of, is some of the music from Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. This movie has been a favourite of mine from before I can remember, and listening to the music unattached from the movie is awesome.

I was just sitting here, reading stuff on Wikipedia when all of a sudden the next song on my playlist in Winamp is Ice T - Combat. It kicked all sorts of ass, but I have to say I was disappointed that there isn't someone yelling "TKO" at the end.

Is there anything in this world more awesome than Breakin' 2? I highly doubt it, as evidenced by the fact that everyone uses it's subtitle whenever a sequel to a popular movie is announced. Most people don't even know where the hell the whole Electric Boogaloo thing comes from... THAT is how awesome the movie is.

I've gone mad recently with the shit i'm downloading. I've started downloading a 200GB collection of the classic series of Doctor Who. That is, all the surviving serials, along with recreations of episodes missing. Already watched the first part of 'The Mutants', more commonly known as 'The Daleks'... quite awesome.

I've also had a little bit of money recently, and decided to buy a DVD that I spotted. That DVD?

Dark Angel.

I know, it sounds like i've gone and turned into a lamer, buying a copy of the bad TV series starring Jessica Alba, but fret not... this is no lame TV series.

You see, Dark Angel is the alternate title of a movie starring Dolph Lundgren, which was released in the USA under the infinitely stupid title 'I Come In Peace', which is a line that the main villian constantly says. In fact, it might be the only thing he says, apart from the odd grunt or weird hiss. The villian is in fact played by Matthias Hues who is one of those "hey, it's that guy" type of actors. You don't know their names, but when you see them, you just KNOW who they are.


But anyway, like I said... I bought this movie. Is it a good movie? Barely. It's pretty predictable. A cop loses his partner in a drug bust gone wrong, gets assigned a new partner who is a stickler for the rules, investigates shit, gets caught in the ministrations of an intergalactic drug dealer, becomes friends with new partner... and so on.

You know, typical 80's cop drama with awesome one-liners.

"Argghhhhhh... I come in peace."
"And you go in pieces, asshole."

Brllnt.

09 July, 2009

The... New

Finally I am back online, and with a new computer to kick about the place with. First off, i'm gonna comment on the whole "Michael Jackson is dead" stuff that is currently strewn about the media.
  1. He was a very talented man, and made alot of really good songs.
  2. He should have died back in the late 1980's.
Think about what I just said. He SHOULD HAVE died in the 80's, before he started to become the freak that he eventually turned into. Instead of people remembering him for the music that he leaves behind, alot of people are going to remember him as the formerly black man who turned into a white woman thing who liked to "play" with kids.

Can anyone deny that they don't think of the really strange shit that he had done for the past 15-20 years whenever they hear his name mentioned, even if a little bit? No, you can't.

RIP Michael Jackson from the 1980's... you will be missed.

25 May, 2009

The... Same

So, my life is currently the same as it was since the last posting I made. My life is still in the shit, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I will however be getting a new computer and a new internet connection, allowing me to finally start updating this site again with more incessant rants of randomness.

Until that day comes, I shall be waiting for pain. What pain? THE PAIN!