The... Costumes Have Arrived

So, I received my costume for the karaoke final the other day, whilst my friend got his a few days beforehand. If you remember the preview image I did, then you'll be thrilled to see the images below.

The... Mega Powers

This post has nothing to do with one of the biggest team-ups of 80's wrestlers ever... this is actually about the karaoke final that me and my friend have made it into. We are planning to go all out for this thing to try and win (because we can't sing for shit) and the point of the title for this post is that I started writing Mega Phones, and then decided to write, Mega Powers. So, that is to clear that up.

Anyway, like I said, we are planning to go all out for this competition. We've got costumes ordered; I have just received the two mega phones that I ordered so we can go out into the crowd and sing instead of standing on stage like you're supposed to for karaoke; and finally we have at least one of the two songs selected that we shall be doing.

I whipped something up in photoshop to illustrate what I believe the event will look like, as those are the costumes we're wearing, and it is the song we will be doing:

And yes, I do expect it to look at least this gay. I expect it to get a whole lot more gayer looking at some point. But really, how much more gayer can it get than Gumby and the Easter Bunny singing Y.M.C.A for a karaoke competition with mega-phones whilst also dressed like the Village People? 

I don't think it is physically possible to get any more gayer than that.

The... How The Fuck Did We Win?

I just got back from a local karaoke competition in which people from the surrounding regions and Sydney were entered in it, as me and my friend got drawn on the first night of the comp.

Somehow, we just won our spot in the final. We can't really sing, we're okay, but alot of other people sing much better than we do. The only thing we do, is act like complete fucking tools. For instance, we've been known over the years at karaoke for a number of songs.

First off, we were popular because we did 'Gay Bar' by Electric Six and we just act like dicks in it, even going so far to dress like the dude from the video clip (if you haven't seen the clip, imagine Abraham Lincoln in exercise gear and/or bondage). Then we started to do alot of different rap songs, eventually doing 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mixalot (who doesn't seem to be mixing much these days...), and doing it so well that we know the timing off by heart and know when a karaoke file is off by even a millisecond.

Now, we're known for 'Rock Lobster' by the B-52's, and we act like complete and utter dickheads in that one. My friend kicks me off the stage (if we're on one) or a speaker (if there is one on the stage) and then I crawl around on my back screaming and doing the chick parts from the song.

Tonight, we carried on a box full of invisible seatbelts so people could come up and get one to strap themselves in, and I dressed in my captains shirt as seen in the profile photo in the upper right of this site. Oh, and we used the name that we came up with for our duet name thing... Jarthew Patanus, which is a combination of our two names in a weird way.

Anyway, us doing these things have got us into the final, and now in the running to win $1800 if we come first, $800 if we come second or $400 if we come third. If we somehow win, we're going to start seeing if we can get gigs at the local pubs... because we are fuckwits.

There was a fat lady who complained about us winning. It was pretty funny.

I should have a video soon that my friends wife took from the back of the room (you fail to see me for most of the song), so I will put it up when I get it.

Oh, and when we arrived tonight... there was a dead lady in the parking lot.

The... Mr Coco Part 2

I thought i'd write a second post about my recent video regarding the Late Night Wars, as it has become slightly popular the last few days. At present it has gone up to 130,000 views, mainly because it was put up on the Time magazine website in an article about the 10 best things about the war, and was the first entry.

I've noticed that there is also another translation video up (which I won't link to), that uses a few of the same ideas that I used, naming Conan as Coco and Leno as Lennon, but it does it really poorly. You can't see the text at most times because they chose to do the subtitles in white, without any stroke or shadow to it whatsoever, so when the screen goes white, you can't read at all.

The person who made it commented in the comments thread (when I saw it, they had made about 8 of the 13 comments themselves), that CNN "called" because they liked their video. But a quick search with their video title and CNN simply shows an iReport thing (which anyone can do, the trick is to get it vetted allowing CNN to use the item on air), where the person describes what they did.

You know, I hate to be a jerk, but saying that CNN called about your video and then all it is, is that you've just done some thing for a part of the CNN website that anyone can do... well, it's kind of bad form. Right?

That's like me saying that some porn website called because they liked my Auto Fellation challenge video and then all I did is post it on RedTube or something... well, that's bad form. It's the same sort of thing, isn't it?

The... Captain Jack Vs Shark Attack 3

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you might have read about the movie I consider to be the greatest movie ever (which I have still not managed to watch), simply because of the title and the DVD cover: that movie being of course, Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus.

 Well, there is also another movie out there in the wilderness of crappy B-grade movies that features a large shark that is infamous across the internet because of it's cheesy special effects. And when I mean cheesy, I mean fucking cheesy! Take a look:

What I find remarkable about Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is the fact that I spotted John Barrowman as the lead character, Ben. For those that might not know who John Barrowman is, he is the actor that portrays Captain Jack Harkness on both Doctor Who and Torchwood.

Really.

I want to see Captain Jack go up against a shark now. Let's see if he can survive being eaten by a shark. And whilst we're at it, make it a giant prehistoric shark. That would be an awesome show to watch.

The... Worst Porn I Can Find Today: Part 5

Today's entry is a little different, as it isn't a single video. In my everlasting quest to find some strange and weird porn for this segment, I have found a number of porn search engines that deal with the subject matter, such as Cliphunter.com and AskJolene.com.

Now I have found another, which helpfully categorizes searches for popular terms. Want a video that features Sauna's? It has a category. And so on.

So, going through this helpful directory of categories, I came across what I believe to be the crowning achievement of 'Worst Porn':

Amputee Porn. There is only a few videos in the listing (including the video I had seen previously and meant  to include in this segment), but at least it is a start. We can't shame the countless amputee women in the world into not wanting to make porn. They should be free to do so, right?

The... Old School Awesomeness

I am an old school gamer, and have fond memories of playing various gaming machines since I was very young. From the Milton Bradley Vectrex (which is currently sitting in my cupboard) to the Commodore 64 to the Sega Master System and so forth, I love my old school games and forever will.

So it isn't that much of a surprise that when I came across this website today, I blew a load.

Not only can you find multiple instances of old school gaming that you can play within your browser, but i've come across movies, tv shows, programs, e-books and more.

First thing I loaded up was Wonder Boy 3: The Dragon's Trap for the Master System. Which is one game that I absolutely loved growing up. I never bought it, but constantly hired it out from the local video shop. If I had saved the money that I used to hire it out, I could have bought a few copies (which is what I also could have done with Wrestlemania 2000 on the N64).

  

Next up for me is probably to play some of the old DOS games they have. I've spotted Scorched Earth and Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, so I might play them ones.

I'm pretty sure that i'll be fucking around on this website for a long time. So if nothing gets posted within the next few days, you know the reason why.

The... Jimmy Fallon Did Something Funny?! + The Muppets?!

You read the title right. What the fuck is happening to the world, when Jimmy Fallon does something funny instead of the regular suckitude that he is known for?

I am talking about something that recently appeared on his show (which I still can't believe is HIS show, and which I still haven't watched since I turned off the first episode).

Specifically, a bit where he portrayed Neil Young and sang a cover of the theme to 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air'. Surprisingly, it isn't that bad, and I would totally buy a single if Neil Young were to ever actually do this song... as opposed to downloading it like I have pretty much every single piece of music I have ever gotten, as I don't like buying music... buying music is for morons.

Also, I've come across this video of The Muppets, singing a version of Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody', and it is pretty fucking awesome.

I absolutely loved Animal's part. I would have sent the link to my brother, except for the fact that it has Crazy Harry (pictured right) in a few scenes, who my brother absolutely hates because the character used to freak him out as a kid.

Seriously, look at that fucker! He is a creepy bastard, who blows shit up and cackles like a drugged up bat-shiat crazy fuckhat.

Apparently the character doesn't get used that often anymore because of 9/11, as they say blowing things up even jokingly isn't that fun anymore. I suppose something good came from the whole 9/11 thing that Bush set up. What?!

The... How Long Could You Survive A Gay Bar Fight Armed Only With Assless Chaps?

I've only just came across this website, which has one of the longest domain names I think i've ever seen.

How Long Could You Survive A Gay Bar Fight Armed Only With Assless Chaps?

That is comedic genius at it's best. It asks you the simple question of 'how long you can survive in a gay bar fight armed only with assless chaps?' and it does it well.

Update: I am so disappointed that the domain name now just redirects to a much smaller domain name, which is nowhere near the comedic genius that it previously was. So sad. :(

The... Debbie 'Fucking' Gibson?!

My brother was in town the other week, and I showed him a large array of weird shit I had managed to find online and elsewhere, whilst he showed me what he had managed to find online and elsewhere. It is this thing we do, as we have similar senses of humour and both have the ability to find some weird shit.

For example, my previous post about the greatest movie ever made, Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus? Little did I realise who the leading lady was in the movie until my brother pointed it out to me when I showed him the trailer.

Debbie 'fucking' Gibson! For those that have no idea who that is, she was a teen pop-star in the 1980's around the same time as Tiffany and Debbie Debb. She did nothing after the 80's ended, until Tiffany decided to get naked for Playboy in the 2000's... and so Debbie Gibson followed suit, and got naked for Playboy a few years later. (link to both, wooh)

My god! This movie is even more awesome than I originally conceived!

The... Perfect Murder?

I've been thinking for a while about how I would get away with a murder. I started thinking about this a few years ago, when me and my friends read a story about someone in our town being murdered.

It was also kind of odd because the people who were murdered were the parents of one of our friends... and technically, it wasn't a double-murder... it was a murder-suicide. The father murdered the mother after finding out she had apparently cheated on him.

But that is another story for another day.

Like I said, we thought up a way to get away with a murder, which also implicates someone you hate. You want to hear it? Well here it is: the perfect murder.

1. In the lead-up to the initial act, cause an altercation between the target and the person you shall be framing.
2. Now that there is an existing fued between the two, meet the target in some random place... preferably the bush so that blood isn't ruining your carpet or whatever.
   
3. Stab them repeatedly. Be sure to be wearing gloves.
   
4. Wrap their body in a plastic sheet or some other novelty sheet thing...
5. Put their body into your trunk or car or whatever.
6. Drive to the house of the person you are framing. Be sure to be wearing a balaclava.
   
7. Drag the body to the front door, knock on the door.
8. When the person you are framing opens the door, shove the bloody knife into their hand and throw the dead person at them.
9. Leg it.
10. (Optional) If you have access to a koala and didn't have access to gloves, allow the koala access to the crime scene. A koala is the only creature in nature that has fingerprints similar to a human... which will fuck with the forensics.

Genius? Yes?

If you think it isn't, then tell me why? Do you really think that the police will believe the story of this person who has a dead person on their front doorstep, who is holding the murder weapon, and had some previous animosity towards the person?

No. "Hello Police? Ah yes... some crazy man threw this dead body at me and handed me a bloody knife."

Sure he did.

The... This Man?!

If you've been trawling through the bowels of the thing called the internet the last few days, you most likely would have stumbled across this man:

It seems that thousands of people across the world are seeing this man in their dreams, giving them advice on shit. How could all these people inconceivably see this man... I don't know... I think I've seen him before as well.

In fact, here is a thing I just whipped up in photoshop:

My god! It's this man! Congratulations to the thousands of people across the world. You've had the inconceivable ability to dream about this man for years, possibly all of you have seen 'The Princess Bride', and yet you never realised that you've been dreaming of Wallace Shawn with a big mono-brow the whole fucking time... you douchebags.

No wonder he was giving you advice, he is the smartest man in the world after all. Thank me, i've solved the whole 'this man' dilemma. Morons.

The... Greatest Movie Ever, And I Didn't Watch It!

The other day, my girlfriend went and hired a heap of DVD's out from the local video store, and managed to select the greatest movie ever. And typical of my somewhat hectic scheduling regarding my kids, I didn't get a chance to watch it.

What is the movie?

I defy anyone to say that the movie isn't awesome just from the title and the cover alone. That is brllnt!

I am really disappointed that I didn't get a chance to watch it. I might hire it out again, so I can watch it... because judging from this trailer I found on YouTube, it is all kinds of utter retardedness, and I must watch.

The... I Hate Clowns

I just found a website that I had not visited for roughly 10 years. I didn't think it was actually still online. That website is, of course, IHateClowns.com.

I have hated clowns ever since I saw the movie 'IT', just like a lot of people who were young and saw the mini-series starring Tim Curry, for the first time in the early 1990's. I hate them to hell. I'm particularly slightly frightened of the more creepy looking/acting ones.

That is why back in about 1999, when I stumbled across this website, I became a member and used the site's limited email service. This was back when the major free email service was still Hotmail, and you had something like 10MB for your inbox.

Don't know why i'm bringing all this up. Think it just made me feel all fuzzy like inside to see a website that i thought had died, still kicking it around on the internet.

I tried my old email address and login, to see if maybe I was still a registered user of their email service, but alas... I am not. I was thinking about creating a new email address there, until I realised that their service isn't quite free anymore. Shame.

The... Apocalypse

This morning, I awoke to an odd sight. The world outside my window was all red and there was an eerie calm, like being in the middle of the eye of a storm or something. I figured that the red was just fog and the sunlight from a sunrise was making it that colour...

...little did I know, that it was really the Apocalypse.

Imagine that!

That is a photo of just outside my front door. Creepy as all fuck.

The... Cure Article

Well, my first article for another website has been published. It is about a subject near and dear to my heart, a subject of which I have self-appointed myself as a deity. That subject is of course... alcohol.

I'll be writing a bit more for the site when I have the time to do so, and it will all be about alcohol... so if you are a fan of the subject, you will like what I have to say. Or at least, I hope so.

The... Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov

People have a tendancy to change their names for one reason or another. For a while, I thought that the greatest name that anyone could ever changed theirs to was 'Optimus Prime.'

The person that chose that name was a NY Firefighter who claimed that Optimus Prime was like a father-figure to him... whatever.

But now, that man has been beaten.

Meet Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacka Highlander Elessar-Jankov...


Good work dude... i'm pretty sure you'll never get laid.

The... Mothersbaugh

I've had my kids the last few days, and they've been pretty good. Most of the time, they've been quite content to sit still and have been watching a lot of Nick Jr.

Which means, I get to either watch or hear a lot of Nick Jr.

I swear, the whole line-up of shows makes me think of DEVO. Constantly. The music is either made by Mark Mothersbaugh, or inspired by his work, or he is on the show that is currently on.

It was quite strange the first time I spotted him drawing on 'Yo Gabba Gabba!'

My kids were watching him intently as he started to draw some creature, the type of which I cannot recall... but he then drew a flute and the drawing started to play the flute and jump about the place (which reminded me of "Cactus Chef playing 'We Didn't Start the Fire' on a flute" from Late Night with Conan O'Brien). Obviously his mind is still warped from the old DEVO days and this has translated to the projects that he is involved in...

...which is good to see. That's exactly what kids need these days. Some good old 1970's/1980's insanity.

By the way, I found the Lego man from here. Quite awesome indeed.

The... Drinking pt 2: Frank Bolts

Well, ended up drinking a shit load last night.

I don't remember leaving the pub, have a few messages on my phone having a conversation with my mate's wife where I identified myself as Frank Bolts, and my curtain wasn't on the window, so judging from me being half naked... i'm guessing someone got a show.

Then on my Facebook page, I have drunken messages stating that "is prety fuckrd. soryy fptryhodr jr had prddrf pfgg" and "ahuir", which from my many years worth of valuable training in 'Drunken IRC Decoding', means "is pretty fucked, sorry if i've pissed anyone off" and "shit".

The second one is most likely because even when i'm drunk I can pick up on the fact that I'm drunk, and I usually pick up immediately on the fact that i've mis-spelt something.

The whole thing has got me thinking that me identifying myself as Frank Bolts is who I turn into when I get drunk. When I drink, I become Frank Bolts.

Who this man is, I don't know. I've never met him.

But he sounds awesome.