The... Hard Knock Life

Holy crap! I have never read any of the 'Little Orphan Annie' comic strips, but now I kind of wish I had if the last strip in it's now ended original run is any indication of how fucking insane it is.

To start, most people will know of the character via the musical film Annie. The poster for that movie is on the right if you have a hard time picturing it. It was famous for giving the world the songs 'Tomorrow' and 'It's A Hard Knock Life', which later went on to be mocked by Mike Myers in whatever Austin Powers movie it was mocked in.

But god damned. I thought it was just a story about a little girl being adopted by some rich dude, and the trials and tribulations of them as they do things and everyone ends up being happy.

Well... prepare to be blown away. The ending of the strip goes about like this:

Annie has recently been kidnapped by gangsters. They've killed people, and it shows the end result in the strip, so it looks like Annie is in trouble. Cut to some detectives or something telling Warbucks (the old rich dude), that she is most likely dead... and fed to sharks.

If that was the final week of the comic strip, THAT is how it would have ended. But the ending is far more awesome than that!

It goes to explain that Annie was saved by a war criminal known as 'The Butcher of the Balkans'... and he is contemplating killing her to make sure she doesn't talk to anyone about his location. But no... he can't do that to a child.

Damn.

What does he do? Well, he decides that wherever he goes, he will take her along with him. So instead of being kidnapped by gangsters... she is now being held captive by a fucking war criminal, who might kill her so he doesn't have the burden of her any longer.

This is almost as weird as Tin Tin wearing a monkey! But damn, I want to go and read some Annie!

The... Perfect Murder?

I've been thinking for a while about how I would get away with a murder. I started thinking about this a few years ago, when me and my friends read a story about someone in our town being murdered.

It was also kind of odd because the people who were murdered were the parents of one of our friends... and technically, it wasn't a double-murder... it was a murder-suicide. The father murdered the mother after finding out she had apparently cheated on him.

But that is another story for another day.

Like I said, we thought up a way to get away with a murder, which also implicates someone you hate. You want to hear it? Well here it is: the perfect murder.

1. In the lead-up to the initial act, cause an altercation between the target and the person you shall be framing.
2. Now that there is an existing fued between the two, meet the target in some random place... preferably the bush so that blood isn't ruining your carpet or whatever.
   
3. Stab them repeatedly. Be sure to be wearing gloves.
   
4. Wrap their body in a plastic sheet or some other novelty sheet thing...
5. Put their body into your trunk or car or whatever.
6. Drive to the house of the person you are framing. Be sure to be wearing a balaclava.
   
7. Drag the body to the front door, knock on the door.
8. When the person you are framing opens the door, shove the bloody knife into their hand and throw the dead person at them.
9. Leg it.
10. (Optional) If you have access to a koala and didn't have access to gloves, allow the koala access to the crime scene. A koala is the only creature in nature that has fingerprints similar to a human... which will fuck with the forensics.

Genius? Yes?

If you think it isn't, then tell me why? Do you really think that the police will believe the story of this person who has a dead person on their front doorstep, who is holding the murder weapon, and had some previous animosity towards the person?

No. "Hello Police? Ah yes... some crazy man threw this dead body at me and handed me a bloody knife."

Sure he did.

The... Rambo

I only managed to watch the latest Rambo movie the other day, after hiring it out from the video store. And holy crap, I don't know if I liked it or if I hated it.

I had heard about the violence in the film, and from what I had heard, I figured it was just Rambo killing vast amounts of bad guys. I was totally wrong. Most of the people that get killed are innocent civilians: women, old people, injured people and even kids.

I don't mean teenagers either, I mean kids... little kids. Some of them get killed by getting stabbed, really graphically... or shot in the head... or thrown into fires. Dude. Did we really need to see that shit?! Since I've become a father, I get really upset in some ways when I see a scene in a movie or tv show depicting a kid being killed or whatever. It just upsets me. Go ahead and call me a fag or whatever, I don't give a fuck.

When the movie wasn't showing the innocent and unprovoked murders of entire villages, it was okay. But man, it's hard to keep the audience wanting to watch when you've just shown that much gore and unpleasant violence into a few scenes near the start of the film. The end gunfight with the bad guys is pretty good, and man, there is a lot of bloodshed.

And one thing I loved was that to make the villian even more reviled and hated by the audience... like you would even need to do this after he orders the countless murders throughout the film... they make him a gay paedophile, showing him taking a young boy into his cabin at night, and making him leave early the next morning whilst doing up his pants.

Wow.

I didn't see the scene where he tortures a box full of kittens, so they must have cut that and thought it was a bit too much.


In the end, he ends up getting what he deserves. A gut full of machete.

The... Urge To Kill

I'm pretty sure that at some point in the near future I am going to kill someone.

My kids have broken down my resolve over the last 18 hours or so, that I just want to hurt someone really badly. They woke up at 2am, and haven't slept since. One of them shat in their play-room, and they've generally been pissing me off more and more as the day goes on.

Not to mention when I change them, they keep kicking me in the nuts. I hate being kicked in the nuts... but constantly and repeatedly... is not my idea of fun.

For those wanting kids... you fucking idiots. Rip out your testicles before it is too late, and then run far away from them after you've fed them to a dog. Run away as fast as you can. And then punch your missus for even suggesting the idea to you.