The... Cheap Snuggie

My parents bought me a cheap knockoff version of a Snuggie, because I usually sit at my computer with a blanket over my legs to keep warm. I hate the Snuggie. I think it is the most stupid ass backwards invention ever, made for idiots.

I just tried the thing on. My back was cold. You know how I attempted to fix this problem?

I turned the fucker around and tried to wear it like a robe which it essentially is. It didn't sit on my shoulders properly, kept sliding off and then to top it off because of the way that the thing is shaped, my entire chest was exposed and cold.

Whoever came up with this thing is a total failure. They failed at making a blanket, and they failed at making a robe. Two of the most simple things to make. You could make a blanket from some newspapers, which is why a homeless person is more inventive than the person who invented the Snuggie.

So, now I am nice and warm. You know how I have made myself warm? It sure as hell isn't with a Snuggie. I'm wearing a robe. Holy crap is it comfortable, and warm. Whoever came up with this thing is a genius.

Suck on that, Snuggie!

The... Night The Reindeer Died

I have just spotted a 'Top 14 Fake Movies from Real Movies' list over at filmcritic.com. You know, movies that the filmmakers come up with for characters in the movie or television show to see that don't actually exist in real life. An example would be the Space Mutant movies from the early seasons of 'The Simpsons'.

Anyway, I immediately went through it to spot if a certain movie made the list. Which it didn't. How could you do a list like this without listing 'The Night The Reindeer Died' from the immortal Christmas tale, Scrooged? Let's take a look:

How the hell did that not make the list? It has everything:

1. Santa.
2. Elves.
3. Terrorists attacking Santa's workshop at the North Pole.
4. Lee Majors (the Six Million Dollar Man!)
5. Lee Majors blowing terrorists away with a mini-gun!

What the fuck were the people who wrote that article for filmcritic on? How could you be working for a site like that, and not list this classic fake movie from one of the better christmas movies of the last few decades, starring Bill Murray who was in his critical and box office prime at the time?

It's fucking bizarre.

The... Series of Personal Challenges: Auto Fellation

Here's a new one for you, the first in what I hope to be a series (duh!) of personal challenges. What this series entails, is I will film myself trying to see if I can do certain random things, and either succeeding or failing at them. Me and a friend came up with the idea last night at the pub, and we somehow came up with this first challenge.

Can I auto-fellate myself?

That is the challenge. For those that do not know what auto-fellation is, it is essentially the official term for trying to suck your own cock... bizarre how there are people who can do this feat, but even more bizarre is the fact that they even want to try.

So, enjoy!

Check back in every now and then to see if there any new videos in the series, as I am planning to do this on occasion. DO IT!

The... Wonder Pets Are Pissing Me Off

I have my kids in a pretty good routine, where they get time to play, eat and watch some cartoons and shit. I always have the TV on Nick Jr because of this, and as a result I get to learn and know hundreds of shitty songs with immense accuracy.

I admit to occasionally getting the 'Dora the Explorer' theme stuck in my head, or some other monotonous piece of shit song in there. But the one that just absolutely pisses me off is 'The Wonder Pets'.

I hate this fucking cartoon with a passion. I FUCKING HATE IT!

It is so fucking annoying, that I wish that the turtle, duck or whatever the fuck the other thing is would pull out a gun and blow my brains out. It is so gratingly repetitive that you know the exact storyline of each episode from the opening credits:

Some stupid animal gets stuck or hurt, the wonder pets phone rings, they get in their little flying boat and then go save the stupid animal with teamwork... because what's gonna work? TEAM-WORK!

Each episode contains the exact same fucking song, it is so excruciatingly fucked. At least some of the other shitty shows on the station change SOME lyrics every now and then to fit the context of the episode... but I suppose if the episode is the exact same every time, you don't really need to change it to fix the context of the episode... since it DOESN'T CHANGE.

The... Gripe: Sliders

So, I was walking up the road to get a copy of todays newspaper when for some reason I began to think of the 90's tv show, Sliders. You know the one, the fat kid from 'Stand By Me' is an uber-genius and discovers a method to travel between parallel worlds that he ends up calling 'Sliding'.

Anyway, I was thinking about the whole premise of the show, that they're trying to get home after the sliding thing goes wrong causing their device to open a portal at intervals of differing times. So one world they might have two days to wait, or another might be as little as two minutes.

The first episode of the second season ended with them landing on a world that could possibly be theirs after receiving it's coordinates from an alternate fat kid, and they had about a minute to discern whether they were on their world or not.

The newspaper in the letterbox doesn't give any clues, as on this world OJ Simpson was tried for a double murder, the Raiders are playing out of Oakland and the Cleveland Indians actually made the World Series.

Could that much have happened since they left? Well, gee, I don't know. Maybe they need something more tangible to figure out if they are on their world.

So, how did they try to figure out if they were on their world? Well, you see... the front gate of the fat kid's house was always squeaky on his world. And luckily, they arrived out the front of his house. Take a look:

For those that couldn't be fucked watching it, i'll explain. He tests it out... and alas, it isn't squeaky... which means... this can't be their world.

They decide to slide on.

After they've slid away, his mother walks out with the gardener who shows her that he has fixed the squeak with a bit of oil.

Wow.

They just moved on from their world because they couldn't really be fucked to check for anything else apart from a fucking gate.

This seriously was one of their major tests throughout the show as to whether they were on their own world or not.

"Is the gate squeaky?"

If the gate was squeaky, they would usually try to settle into "their" lives until they realise that something isn't right... like the President is a Nazi, or something along those lines.

One thing that I find a bit stupid, is the fact that they just keep sliding like it is their only way to get home.

Why doesn't the fat kid who is an uber-genius who invented the intra-dimensional sliding system in his fucking basement sit the fuck down on a really good world, and build a new fucking device? He surely must be able to build it again, seeing as he could have the resources of a rich blues singer at his disposal, and he has the fucking Professor along with him to give him a hand.

Not to mention... he might have a parallel version of himself who could offer a hand with building the fucking thing.

Really. Why the fuck slide?