The... Hard Knock Life

Holy crap! I have never read any of the 'Little Orphan Annie' comic strips, but now I kind of wish I had if the last strip in it's now ended original run is any indication of how fucking insane it is.

To start, most people will know of the character via the musical film Annie. The poster for that movie is on the right if you have a hard time picturing it. It was famous for giving the world the songs 'Tomorrow' and 'It's A Hard Knock Life', which later went on to be mocked by Mike Myers in whatever Austin Powers movie it was mocked in.

But god damned. I thought it was just a story about a little girl being adopted by some rich dude, and the trials and tribulations of them as they do things and everyone ends up being happy.

Well... prepare to be blown away. The ending of the strip goes about like this:

Annie has recently been kidnapped by gangsters. They've killed people, and it shows the end result in the strip, so it looks like Annie is in trouble. Cut to some detectives or something telling Warbucks (the old rich dude), that she is most likely dead... and fed to sharks.

If that was the final week of the comic strip, THAT is how it would have ended. But the ending is far more awesome than that!

It goes to explain that Annie was saved by a war criminal known as 'The Butcher of the Balkans'... and he is contemplating killing her to make sure she doesn't talk to anyone about his location. But no... he can't do that to a child.

Damn.

What does he do? Well, he decides that wherever he goes, he will take her along with him. So instead of being kidnapped by gangsters... she is now being held captive by a fucking war criminal, who might kill her so he doesn't have the burden of her any longer.

This is almost as weird as Tin Tin wearing a monkey! But damn, I want to go and read some Annie!

The... Huh?

I've only just came across this video from the Glamour Magazine awards ceremony. What the fuck they are giving awards out for, I have no idea... but that still doesn't stop them from having Sir Patrick Stewart presenting an award.

What the fuck just happened? I always thought that Patrick Stewart had some sense of humour, but his bad attempts at insulting that fat guy (whom i've only ever seen in the latest episode of Doctor Who) are incredibly pitiful.

The Jonas Brothers? I can see your belly?

His creepy smirk after he made the comments do not help his cause either. What the hell drug is he on?

The... Foreigner

I was out the back today when I heard a sort of crashing sound in the shed. I opened it up to discover that a box of my old trading cards had fallen, and spilt out over the floor. Quite annoying.

Picking them up however, and I came across a card I do not remember ever having.

It's a trading card for the band Foreigner. I found this incredibly amusing, because... well. It's Foreigner. Why the hell do I have a Foreigner trading card? It seems to be from a set of music related cards, but for the life of me, I don't ever remember having any other cards... hell, I don't even remember having this one!

Another reason I found it amusing is because of when me and my friends used to regularly play trivia on a thursday night. Whenever there was a CD Music round, and a song came on that we weren't sure of the artist, we would simply put Foreigner... because about 80% of the time, it was the right answer. That is the golden rule... if you don't know who the artist is of the song you're listening to, it is either Foreigner or Phil Collins/Genesis. Trust me.

On another note, look at the unabashed coolness emitting from them. The long girly hair, the incredibly faggy clothes. It's like looking at one guy doing three guys. It is very gay.

Rock on, Foreigner. Rock on!

The... Stupid GPU

For the last few weeks, i've been having a problem with my computer overheating, or more accurately, my graphics card. It is generally okay during regular use of the computer, but whenever I have played a graphics heavy game that would usually not tax my graphics card... it goes apeshit and causes an error which has no real reason and/or solution.

Looking for a solution to this has been a mindfuck of a search, and I came up with nothing. Seems that most people using Windows 7 has this problem, and no one knows why. Many suggest that it is because of overheating the GPU, which seems to be what my problem was.

The reason my GPU was constantly overheating is because the fan attached to it to keep it cool was coming loose, and kept coming off of it's spindel. This keeps giving me the shits, to the extent that to keep the GPU cool enough to use the computer, i've had to have a small fan next to the computer blowing cool air onto it.

But now, I seem to have fixed my problem.

I turned my computer upside down. I figured that the fan couldn't come loose if gravity was stopping it from coming loose... and remarkably, the idea worked.

In fact, it is working so well that the temperature has dropped massively during gameplay of any of the games I previously played. Whereas I was getting up to 95 degrees on some intense scenes... I now get anywhere between 55 to 65.

Wow.

All of my problems could have been avoided if only the manufacturer built the fucking GPU with a fan on the fucking top, instead of on the bottom. Stupid fucking bastards.

The... Lindsay Lovelace

So, there is apparently a biopic about to come out based upon the life of porn actress Linda Lovelace. She is most famous as the star of the 70's cult porn film, Deepthroat, from which the informant of Woodward and Bernstein of the whole Watergate fiasco got their dirt of Nixon.

The movie is about a woman who goes to the doctor because she cannot have an orgasm. What they find is that her clitoris is in her throat...

...that's right, you read that correct. Her clitoris is in her throat.

What follows is pretty much shot after shot of her ramming cocks down her throat. And this was the movie that was shown nationwide in the United States in most mainstream cinemas, and had hundreds of A-list celebrities at it's premiere. Weird.

Anyway, i'm bringing this up because of the actress that is going to be portraying Lovelace is the one, the only...

...which is going to be hilarious. Why is it going to be hilarious?

Mainly because of the fact that Linda Lovelace had one incredibly fucked up life, and that is saying a fair bit considering how fucked up pornstar's lives usually are. To start off, if this movie is going to follow her life according to her, she is going to be drugged and forced into pornography by her husband. And that is only the start.

Next up, she is going to fuck a dog.

Excuse me? Did you think I made a spelling mistake? Well... fuck you, I didn't! When I say she fucked a dog... I mean, she got down on all fours and let a dog fuck her. And there is video evidence of it as well. It was eventually released to the masses under some name like Beastly Desires 2 or something like it. I'm pretty sure i'm not exaggerating the number of it either.

She later went on to become a massive junkie, and then found god. After which she promptly died in a fiery car wreck.

So, let's recap some things we might see Lindsay do for this film:

1. Deepthroating.
2. Porn.
3. Having sex with a dog.
4. Doing drugs (I highly doubt she would ever really do drugs...........)
5. Become a massive junkie.
6. Die in a fiery car wreck.

She has done at least three on this list in her own life. So, no wonder why she is starring in a Lovelace biopic. Good casting.

The... Made A Little Girl Cry

So, the karaoke competition final was on last saturday. As seen in the previous post, the costumes that me and my friend were going to wear whilst we sang arrived. To say that the costumes went down well would be an understatement, as we got a bigger ovation than some people that could actually sing... which is all I wanted.

I knew we wouldn't win. I knew we can't sing for shit. To just be the most memorable people on the night is what I wanted, and we succeeded. We ran out for YMCA, to which I fucked up throughout the whole thing as I couldn't remember the order of the lyrics because the costume was too fucking hot and made me disoriented. 

The crowd cheered for that. But the night was ours when we did our signature version of the B-52's Rock Lobster. We danced like idiots, we had sweat dripping out of every pore. And then I dove off of the stage onto the ground (not exaggerating), and then ran into the crowd with a megaphone (which was hard because of the amount of people there and the small amount of space available), and whilst doing this I ran and stopped near a little girl... who cried like a little girl!

Imagine that!

I had to apologize once we were finished though. Apparently she enjoyed it when the giant bunny man was on the stage, but she was rather freaked out when he dove off of the stage and then essentially ran straight towards her screaming and flailing its arms about the place.

I should have the video shortly. My friends filmed it, and i'll be grabbing it off of them at some point to get a copy. Should be good, stay tuned!

The... Costumes Have Arrived

So, I received my costume for the karaoke final the other day, whilst my friend got his a few days beforehand. If you remember the preview image I did, then you'll be thrilled to see the images below.

The... Cheap Snuggie

My parents bought me a cheap knockoff version of a Snuggie, because I usually sit at my computer with a blanket over my legs to keep warm. I hate the Snuggie. I think it is the most stupid ass backwards invention ever, made for idiots.

I just tried the thing on. My back was cold. You know how I attempted to fix this problem?

I turned the fucker around and tried to wear it like a robe which it essentially is. It didn't sit on my shoulders properly, kept sliding off and then to top it off because of the way that the thing is shaped, my entire chest was exposed and cold.

Whoever came up with this thing is a total failure. They failed at making a blanket, and they failed at making a robe. Two of the most simple things to make. You could make a blanket from some newspapers, which is why a homeless person is more inventive than the person who invented the Snuggie.

So, now I am nice and warm. You know how I have made myself warm? It sure as hell isn't with a Snuggie. I'm wearing a robe. Holy crap is it comfortable, and warm. Whoever came up with this thing is a genius.

Suck on that, Snuggie!

The... Mega Powers

This post has nothing to do with one of the biggest team-ups of 80's wrestlers ever... this is actually about the karaoke final that me and my friend have made it into. We are planning to go all out for this thing to try and win (because we can't sing for shit) and the point of the title for this post is that I started writing Mega Phones, and then decided to write, Mega Powers. So, that is to clear that up.

Anyway, like I said, we are planning to go all out for this competition. We've got costumes ordered; I have just received the two mega phones that I ordered so we can go out into the crowd and sing instead of standing on stage like you're supposed to for karaoke; and finally we have at least one of the two songs selected that we shall be doing.

I whipped something up in photoshop to illustrate what I believe the event will look like, as those are the costumes we're wearing, and it is the song we will be doing:

And yes, I do expect it to look at least this gay. I expect it to get a whole lot more gayer looking at some point. But really, how much more gayer can it get than Gumby and the Easter Bunny singing Y.M.C.A for a karaoke competition with mega-phones whilst also dressed like the Village People? 

I don't think it is physically possible to get any more gayer than that.

The... Upcoming Crap

Thought I'd just take the time to make a post about what I have planned for this blog in the next few weeks or months or whatever. To start off, I haven't been enthused to write anything really this month because of shit happening. So sorry about that.

Moving on, I will be starting to do some reviews of various "games" and "movies" that I always see online in my ongoing quest for weird shit to talk about on this site. For example, I have seen this game called 'Guilty Train Molester Man 2' a number of times at various forums where you can download cracked games and so forth... and my mind just sits there and wonders aloud: what the fuck?!

Is that not one of the strangest titles you have seen for a computer game? It shouldn't come as no surprise though that the game comes from Japan, where there is an ongoing epidemic of men molesting people on trains daily. This game is probably based upon a true story.

To top it off though, it is a fucking sequel! Can you believe that the first one sold enough to justify the creation of a second installment? Wow... the first one must be fucking awesome, because I haven't seen a third one, so maybe this second one isn't that good. We'll see when I eventually get around to downloading it and playing through it.

Apart from that, I will continue to look for bad porn to post, and I will get around to making a new installment in the 'Series of Personal Challenges' that I started a while ago now. I just need to come up with something worthy so that the French people who enjoyed me trying to gratify myself will enjoy it.

The... How The Fuck Did We Win?

I just got back from a local karaoke competition in which people from the surrounding regions and Sydney were entered in it, as me and my friend got drawn on the first night of the comp.

Somehow, we just won our spot in the final. We can't really sing, we're okay, but alot of other people sing much better than we do. The only thing we do, is act like complete fucking tools. For instance, we've been known over the years at karaoke for a number of songs.

First off, we were popular because we did 'Gay Bar' by Electric Six and we just act like dicks in it, even going so far to dress like the dude from the video clip (if you haven't seen the clip, imagine Abraham Lincoln in exercise gear and/or bondage). Then we started to do alot of different rap songs, eventually doing 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mixalot (who doesn't seem to be mixing much these days...), and doing it so well that we know the timing off by heart and know when a karaoke file is off by even a millisecond.

Now, we're known for 'Rock Lobster' by the B-52's, and we act like complete and utter dickheads in that one. My friend kicks me off the stage (if we're on one) or a speaker (if there is one on the stage) and then I crawl around on my back screaming and doing the chick parts from the song.

Tonight, we carried on a box full of invisible seatbelts so people could come up and get one to strap themselves in, and I dressed in my captains shirt as seen in the profile photo in the upper right of this site. Oh, and we used the name that we came up with for our duet name thing... Jarthew Patanus, which is a combination of our two names in a weird way.

Anyway, us doing these things have got us into the final, and now in the running to win $1800 if we come first, $800 if we come second or $400 if we come third. If we somehow win, we're going to start seeing if we can get gigs at the local pubs... because we are fuckwits.

There was a fat lady who complained about us winning. It was pretty funny.

I should have a video soon that my friends wife took from the back of the room (you fail to see me for most of the song), so I will put it up when I get it.

Oh, and when we arrived tonight... there was a dead lady in the parking lot.

The... Not Fucking Ninjas

I made a video the other day that i've now posted on YouTube, where i'm going off about some scenes in the American Ninja movies. I had been meaning to do the video for a while, and even took the scenes from the movies I talk about and show a fair while ago now, but never got around to actually doing the other bit because my microphone was fucked.

In the end, I ended up just filming myself with my phone and put it together with the footage. Hopefully it will get as popular as my last video, but I doubt it will. Ninjas don't seem to be as cool these days in the interweb. Take a look below.

The... Worst Porn I Had On My Hard Drive

I wanted to add this to my continuing series of 'worst porn', but to be fair... I already had this entry on my computer. So, this isn't an official entry to the series, but a side dish if you'd like to call it that. NSFW after the jump.

The... Worst Porn I Can Find Today: Part 8

Holy shit! I think I have found one of the creepiest pieces of porn I think I'm ever going to see.

Ask someone to name something that they are afraid of, and alot of people might happen to say 'spiders'. Well, how about watching a spider-lady thing totally fucking a dude, and blowing him and everything? Oh shit yeah, that's exactly what i've found. After the jump, and NSFW.

The... French Must Like Blowing Themselves

I was just taking a look at the videos i've uploaded to Youtube, and the statistics available from the insight thing. Well, it shouldn't really surprise me that the videos haven't really received that many views altogether, as I haven't really tried to advertise them.

One thing that I found odd is that the majority of viewers for my Auto-Fellation challenge video are from France. And i'm really not kidding whatsoever about that. Almost 70% to 80% of the viewers that have sat down, clicked on the video and watched me try to give myself oral gratification are French.

French people, you sicken me. Stop watching me with your dirty eyes and unkempt berets... my body is not for sale! :(

The... Worst Porn I Can Find Today: Part 7

In my town, there isn't much to do to occupy yourself unless you stay in and watch a movie or play a game or something. However, karaoke is pretty big in this town and so a few nights a week, some of the pubs will have a regular karaoke night.

I went out to one last night and along with my friend, we made people envious of our remarkable singing ability. Sorry, I lied... we can't sing for shit, but people are still somewhat in awe about our singing, because we just act like complete dickheads and make it entertaining for the crowd when we get called out for our turn.

But i'll leave the details about karaoke and my abilities to rock the socks off of people's cocks... another time. Right now, you're here for some bad porn... the worst porn I can find today.

And oddly enough, I didn't find this... I took the photo. You see, the reason why I opened this post with the whole karaoke spiel is the fact that last night, I ended up taking a photo of a local chick who was getting her boobs out. She is known in town as 'Mudbucket'... apparently because fucking her is like fucking a bucket of mud. But yeah, she's fucking horrible... so without further ado, the picture is after the jump and is NSFW.

The... Worst Porn I Can Find Today: Part 6

Sometimes you stumble across things that are horrific in nature, and make you want to cut out your eyes.

Today's porn that I found is like that.

Take note that I wasn't actually looking for anything for this segment, and just stumbled across this. It isn't a video and is just an animated gif, but i'm pretty sure that if I looked hard enough, I could find the full movie. I don't want to look for the full movie though because it looks bad enough as a short animation.

Since it is NSFW, it is after the jump.

The... Kid Has Probably Learnt A Valuable Lesson

So I was viewing the internet last night, and I found this video of a 10/11 year old kid "challenging" 4chan. Last night the video only had about two thousand views, but as of my writing this, it is up over 34,000 views, with about six thousand comments all threatening this kid.

I don't think he realises what a stupid idea challenging 4chan is. Those guys will ruin his poor fragile mind (one that apparently supports god and scientology... wtf?). He believes that he will succeed in getting 4chan shut down and have someone named 'anonymous' arrested, all because he has god on his side.

Okay kid, here is a few pointers on what is going to happen:

1. One of the ten commandments is 'thou shalt not worship false idols'... so saying that you like Scientology which is a seperate religion which denounces god and so forth would probably be pissing off your 'god'. So I doubt 'god' is on your side... seeing as 'god' doesn't exist anyway.
   
2. The posters at 4chan are going to find your address, and most likely all details about your life thus far.
3. They will spread this information across the internet.
4. They will then proceed to order about 300 pizzas from a local pizza shop in your town, all in your name, and have them delivered to your door.
5. You will then have a massive bill in your name to pay up.
6. You will most likely then be arrested for suspicion of distributing child pornography and your families name will be tarnished forever.
7. Then they will photoshop someone pooing into your mouth.

Mark this as the day that joshchristian100 was put in the sites of the strangest collection of web posters ever formed.

The... So It's Christmas

So, it is Christmas Day here on Volcano Island, and the presents have been handed out and collected. The kids didn't really seem to enjoy it, as they are still only 18 months. They have a inkling of what the fuck is going on, as they were allowed to rip up shit and throw garbage everywhere unlike the usual days where they get in trouble for doing it, so I suppose that is something.

It is weird being a parent and being the one doing all the shit for Christmas, when as a kid, you are told to believe that this obese guy in a red suit does it all. I mean, fuck Santa. What fucking person came up with the concept of giving credit to a fictional character? I just spent $600 two days ago getting the last few presents I needed to get, and that isn't including the massive amount of toys I bought. I also need to set up a trampoline and a fucking bike.

I want some fucking credit for the work I did. I want my girlfriend to get the credit for all the work she put in for not only my kids, but her son as well, as well as the shit she did just to make the house Christmassy for all involved. She was up all night hanging lights and decorations up everywhere, so when the kids woke up the next day, she could tell them that Santa did it all whilst he was here dropping off presents!

Fuck Santa. Fuck him good in the ass.

The... Night The Reindeer Died

I have just spotted a 'Top 14 Fake Movies from Real Movies' list over at filmcritic.com. You know, movies that the filmmakers come up with for characters in the movie or television show to see that don't actually exist in real life. An example would be the Space Mutant movies from the early seasons of 'The Simpsons'.

Anyway, I immediately went through it to spot if a certain movie made the list. Which it didn't. How could you do a list like this without listing 'The Night The Reindeer Died' from the immortal Christmas tale, Scrooged? Let's take a look:

How the hell did that not make the list? It has everything:

1. Santa.
2. Elves.
3. Terrorists attacking Santa's workshop at the North Pole.
4. Lee Majors (the Six Million Dollar Man!)
5. Lee Majors blowing terrorists away with a mini-gun!

What the fuck were the people who wrote that article for filmcritic on? How could you be working for a site like that, and not list this classic fake movie from one of the better christmas movies of the last few decades, starring Bill Murray who was in his critical and box office prime at the time?

It's fucking bizarre.