The... Lindsay Lovelace

So, there is apparently a biopic about to come out based upon the life of porn actress Linda Lovelace. She is most famous as the star of the 70's cult porn film, Deepthroat, from which the informant of Woodward and Bernstein of the whole Watergate fiasco got their dirt of Nixon.

The movie is about a woman who goes to the doctor because she cannot have an orgasm. What they find is that her clitoris is in her throat...

...that's right, you read that correct. Her clitoris is in her throat.

What follows is pretty much shot after shot of her ramming cocks down her throat. And this was the movie that was shown nationwide in the United States in most mainstream cinemas, and had hundreds of A-list celebrities at it's premiere. Weird.

Anyway, i'm bringing this up because of the actress that is going to be portraying Lovelace is the one, the only...

...which is going to be hilarious. Why is it going to be hilarious?

Mainly because of the fact that Linda Lovelace had one incredibly fucked up life, and that is saying a fair bit considering how fucked up pornstar's lives usually are. To start off, if this movie is going to follow her life according to her, she is going to be drugged and forced into pornography by her husband. And that is only the start.

Next up, she is going to fuck a dog.

Excuse me? Did you think I made a spelling mistake? Well... fuck you, I didn't! When I say she fucked a dog... I mean, she got down on all fours and let a dog fuck her. And there is video evidence of it as well. It was eventually released to the masses under some name like Beastly Desires 2 or something like it. I'm pretty sure i'm not exaggerating the number of it either.

She later went on to become a massive junkie, and then found god. After which she promptly died in a fiery car wreck.

So, let's recap some things we might see Lindsay do for this film:

1. Deepthroating.
2. Porn.
3. Having sex with a dog.
4. Doing drugs (I highly doubt she would ever really do drugs...........)
5. Become a massive junkie.
6. Die in a fiery car wreck.

She has done at least three on this list in her own life. So, no wonder why she is starring in a Lovelace biopic. Good casting.

The... Nightmare On Elm Street

I just finished watching the new 'Nightmare on Elm Street' movie with Jackie Earle Haley replacing Robert Englund in the role of Freddy Krueger. I was kind of expecting a decent movie, but nowhere near as classic as the original... and I am right... except for the bit about this movie being decent.

Every single memorable piece from this movie came directly from the original. And the thing is, the original did everything ten times better. This post from someone else's blog shows some of the shots from the trailer of the movie with scenes from the original.

As you can see, they redid a number of the iconic scenes from the first movie. Freddy coming through the wall to watch his victim being one that immediately jumped out at me as "why did they bother doing it with CGI?". The comparison from the other blog is on the right here.

Seriously, how bad does the effect look when done in CG compared to the original rubber wall trick? The original is creepy looking and it was real, whilst the new one looks tacky. It looks like a shitty version of the effect done in 'The Frighteners' where the reaper traveled through walls and shit.

I was expecting more, but this movie was just bad. I wish that I could get my bandwidth back... that's right, I didn't pay to see the movie. I wasted bandwidth that I could have used to download more porn.

The... Yay!

We've just left Newcastle after attending court. It has been a shitty few weeks, but all the crap is finally over, meaning that regular posting will start again within a few days. I'm writing this with a mobile phone so this post might be a bit wonky.

The... Jameson

Jenna Jameson is in the news because Tito Ortiz apparently beat the fuck out of her. As evidenced by the photo on the right, she doesn't look that bad. In fact, that photo happens to be the most she has looked like her old self for a long fucking time.

Seriously. There was at one point, a time when she was massively attractive and uber-hot... and that is mainly the reason she became such a big pornstar, and the fact that she could suck dick really good, I suppose.

But that was then, and now, she always looks like a plastic freak with massive pouting lips. It is horrendous. Why did she do it, because she was still hot when she did it, but then when she got it done, she became this beast that devours penis... instead of this hot chick who sucks it.

Odd thought, but blah!

The... Rugby League Is Dead In Melbourne

Sorry that I haven't written anything in the last few weeks. An absolute boatload of shit has hit our family hard the last few weeks, and it has been a bit tiring. For example:

1. My dad got hit by a car the other week. Luckily he is okay, but he was pretty sore for a while.
2. One of my cousins died the day that my dad got hit by the car.
3. Both of my kids got croup (for those that don't know that term, think 'whooping cough').
4. I have been sick.
5. My girlfriend has been ordered to court over custody of her son.
6. After going to my cousins funeral, my newly purchased car overheated to all fuck and is now essentially dead until we can get it fixed... which will most likely cost me a fair bit of money.
7. Another cousin who was like a brother to my other cousin who died... died. So that sucks ass.
8. And let's leave it at that for how shitty the last few weeks have been, but there is more.

But anyway, I just HAD to speak up about the Melbourne Storm. I hate the team with a passion, and so does my friend Matty who just had to call me up with the news that has made my day.

For those too lazy to click on the link above, the news that has made my day is that the Melbourne Storm have broken the salary cap. Wait, did I say broken? I meant absolutely raped the salary cap.

For five years, they have raped the cap by $1.7 million. This is incredibly funny, because in those five years, they had won two Premierships in the NRL competition. And this is funny... because those titles will now be stripped from them.

This is just more fire for AFL supporters in Victoria that Rugby League does not belong there. And it all falls on the Melbourne Storm.

The club will not survive. It is amazing that the fucking team survived as long as it did, and for that I suppose I should commend them... but I won't. I hate them with a passion after all.

What the NRL should do now, is get rid of the team and focus on building a team in the Central Coast which has been pushing for a side for many years, and is actually a Rugby League area. They love the sport there, as evidenced by the sold out crowds when South Sydney play there each year.

I guess... all I have to really say about the matter is:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

The... Chat Roulette Is Nothing But Penis

I've only really discovered Chat Roulette recently since Merton started doing his Piano Improv videos. Since going onto it, i've come to realise two things. 

1. No one really wants to talk on there. So they quickly disconnect from your chat.
2. The only ones that want to talk are the penises.

I don't particularly like talking to penises... unless it is my own, and even then, it is mostly abuse. But still, what is the fascination with the site? People go on there and you'd think most would be expecting to talk... but no, they are there is see people with their dicks out. 

And if they aren't... then they never talk to you to disprove it.

The... Made A Little Girl Cry

So, the karaoke competition final was on last saturday. As seen in the previous post, the costumes that me and my friend were going to wear whilst we sang arrived. To say that the costumes went down well would be an understatement, as we got a bigger ovation than some people that could actually sing... which is all I wanted.

I knew we wouldn't win. I knew we can't sing for shit. To just be the most memorable people on the night is what I wanted, and we succeeded. We ran out for YMCA, to which I fucked up throughout the whole thing as I couldn't remember the order of the lyrics because the costume was too fucking hot and made me disoriented. 

The crowd cheered for that. But the night was ours when we did our signature version of the B-52's Rock Lobster. We danced like idiots, we had sweat dripping out of every pore. And then I dove off of the stage onto the ground (not exaggerating), and then ran into the crowd with a megaphone (which was hard because of the amount of people there and the small amount of space available), and whilst doing this I ran and stopped near a little girl... who cried like a little girl!

Imagine that!

I had to apologize once we were finished though. Apparently she enjoyed it when the giant bunny man was on the stage, but she was rather freaked out when he dove off of the stage and then essentially ran straight towards her screaming and flailing its arms about the place.

I should have the video shortly. My friends filmed it, and i'll be grabbing it off of them at some point to get a copy. Should be good, stay tuned!

The... Costumes Have Arrived

So, I received my costume for the karaoke final the other day, whilst my friend got his a few days beforehand. If you remember the preview image I did, then you'll be thrilled to see the images below.

The... Cheap Snuggie

My parents bought me a cheap knockoff version of a Snuggie, because I usually sit at my computer with a blanket over my legs to keep warm. I hate the Snuggie. I think it is the most stupid ass backwards invention ever, made for idiots.

I just tried the thing on. My back was cold. You know how I attempted to fix this problem?

I turned the fucker around and tried to wear it like a robe which it essentially is. It didn't sit on my shoulders properly, kept sliding off and then to top it off because of the way that the thing is shaped, my entire chest was exposed and cold.

Whoever came up with this thing is a total failure. They failed at making a blanket, and they failed at making a robe. Two of the most simple things to make. You could make a blanket from some newspapers, which is why a homeless person is more inventive than the person who invented the Snuggie.

So, now I am nice and warm. You know how I have made myself warm? It sure as hell isn't with a Snuggie. I'm wearing a robe. Holy crap is it comfortable, and warm. Whoever came up with this thing is a genius.

Suck on that, Snuggie!

The... My Humour Isn't Accessible

Since I uploaded the Conan VS Leno video, I have tried to do other things on my YouTube account that I thought people would enjoy. Considering one features ninjas, and the other features TRON... I thought they'd get a few hits... which I completely forgot to add here the other day.

Especially the TRON one since the new trailer for the sequel was coming out within a day or two of me putting my video up, and I was hoping to catch a few views from that.

Instead, they've barely got any. Why?

Is my sense of humour so clouded and inaccessible to others that people aren't getting the humour in the videos I have uploaded? I think my ideas are funny and so do some of my friends who have a similar taste of humour to me, so maybe that is it.

I come up with these ideas and run with them, and they just aren't funny to the majority of people who inhabit the internet.

Well damnit! I'm going to crack this stupid thing that they calls the interweb, and when I do... I will come after you, you cunt.

Uhhh.... sorry.